Category Relationships

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Okay, let me start by saying, I  love men! well, most of them. The sane ones; not the cheating-lying-controlling ones!

Now that that is out of the way we can all move on ladies. When I look back at the younger me in my 20’s and 30’s, I really want to smack her! I love her but, gosh was she naive. It would have been great to have a single woman’s guide to navigating this particular journey!

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As I sit here musing on the past and contemplating my upcoming birthday (every year comes a lot quicker), I find it difficult to accept the fact that as a single woman, I wasted a lot of time land energy looking for validation and my own self-worth in the eyes of a man-another fallible human being.

Unfortunately, I feel that we have been “bred” or “conditioned” to looking for validation outside of ourselves. From the time we’re young girls, we are taught to “seek” approval and to be viewed as “good” girls, “giving” and yes, “womanly”. But all that really did (at least in my case) was solidify the notion that I was not enough and that I needed outside validation in order to feel “worthy”. As a single woman in 2018, I can’t help but cringe at those memories!

Over time I grew to resent the role and position that I had been forced to live in by both my culture (as an African woman) and society as a whole. There is nothing uplifting or growth-inducing by being made to feel that you have no worth if you haven’t birthed a child or are someone’s wife! Traditionally women are made to feel all levels of stress (pressure) and angst to get married, birth children and become the perfect daughter-in-law!

What hypocrisy and bondage! It took me a long time to break that conditioning and along the way, I made a lot of mistakes with the opposite sex (I’ll talk more about that later) but better late than never right? Suffice it to say, personal development goes a long way towards freeing yourself from toxic relationships, etc.

This series is dedicated to all the women who traveled the same road and earned her own battle scars and is finally learning what it means to be free! I figured I’d do my civic duty by sharing some simple truths and perspectives in my version of the single woman’s guide to a drama free life. Here are a few things I wish I had learned when I was younger:

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Here are a few helpful tips and pieces of advice I wish I had had as a single woman, all those years ago:

1. If a man you’ve just met tells you to smile, tell him to stay in his own lane and piss off! (I’ve always detested when people, usually men try to take ownership of my emotions). Own your emotions and every other part of you. You are under no obligation to “perform” on demand!

2. Don’t give your number to guys you meet in the parking lot of the post office, grocery store or the club. Chances are, he’s a “collector”, cheater or player (I’ll explain later). Take my advice, it’s not worth the drama. Plus, if he turns out to be stalker-ish you won’t have to change your number.

3. If he only wants to meet at your place doesn’t want you to meet any of his friends, family, etc he’s probably married.Kick his ass to the curb; again, you don’t need the drama and it’s a waste of your time anyway.

4. If it feels like he has to “fit” you into his schedule or his life, chances are you are not a priority for him-it’s time to cut that cord! Most honest men will tell you (i.e. your male friends) if you’re really important to him and valued, he won’t have to “fit” you into anything. A wise assessment from a veteran single woman once shared this nugget with me!

5. Never, ever have intercourse with a man who has not been tested for STD’s (and yes, I mean actual proof!); you’re literally TSTL (too stupid to live) if you give him a pass. Remember my mantra: self-care is healthcare, ladies!

6. If after you’ve been dating for a bit, and he starts making “suggestions” about what you should wear or “improve” your appearance, it’s time to give him the ax. Depending on the context, (I’m being generous here) this usually marks the subtle beginnings of control and or manipulation. Make him aware of it, shut it down, or better yet cut those ties.

These are just a few sage words for the single woman’s guide to drama-free living. I’ve got a growing list for the rest of the series. What are your tips for single women in the current social climate?

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Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.

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Women behaving badly (“female toxicity”)

Today I decided to express my thoughts on a troubling and destructive behavior I’ve come across in recent weeks. While I know that a number of women often fall victim to the comparison monster and their images of self,  I’ve never grown accustomed to those who choose to victimize other women (aka female toxicity). They do this instead of seeking the necessary healing and personal development they need in order to break free from these destructive practices!

What do I mean?

Well, I’m referring to a toxic interaction I had with another female author on the issue of “fat-shaming” and it’s effects on women who have been victimized by it. In our discussion, this individual chooses to engage in a form of cyberbullying rather than express her opinions and move on (i.e. agree to disagree). It is never a good or honorable thing to project one’s issues, pain, insecurities, or perceived shortcomings, onto another individual regardless of your stance on a particular topic!

A little bit of what women and girls face daily

Women face a constant barrage of “noise” and obstacles. We often face gender inequality, skewed images of beauty, and misogyny from both society and media.  I refuse to be silent in the face of such toxicity without both challenging and speaking to the issue of bullying in larger terms. We live in an age where hate is being normalized and misogyny is being masqueraded as “plain speaking” or “politically incorrect”.  Even body-shaming (fat-shaming and body shaming in general terms), is being viewed as appropriate, justified, humorous, and everyday speech!

I’m never okay with a bully!

I can recall an old African proverb that states “Ashes fly back into the face of him (or in this case, her) who throws them.” It is my hope that all the “adults” in this digital space, have made the same calculation and are evolved enough to state their cases. Just, move on without trying to demean or bully (i.e. engage in female toxicity) others in the process.

It is true that in some instances, the abused often becomes the abuser for a variety of reasons (unresolved pain points, lack of treatment, etc). I’ll leave it there because I feel this is best left to the experts out there.

We have all been wounded at some point in our lives, but the real victory, healing, and wholeness (i.e. growth) come from facing and or addressing our issues. Rather than projecting with the aim of deriving relief through the victimization of others, get some healing!  Experience and observation have shown me that this is neither healthy nor sustainable. Ultimately, it is self-destructive and creates an inauthentic and damaged version of self.

Crabs in a barrel mentality

For women, that “need” to compare ourselves to other women with the desperate hope of becoming “her” or tearing “her” down will never fill that “hole”. Female toxicity is often left by wounds that have been left to fester through either neglect, ignorance, choice, or some combination of all three. Add to that the dimension of socio-cultural pressures, and it becomes a toxic yoke that calls for a level of internal work that is difficult to achieve without professional help.

The “Suck”

That also depends on the amount of “deep work” needed and a willingness to embrace the “suck”. While I’m intimately acquainted with being both victim and perpetrator of this, I made the personal commitment and decision to get off of that crazy train embrace my authentic self. Yes, I had to embrace my flaws and free myself in the process.

The media and culture’s contribution to this toxicity

Every day, I see a stream of images and myths from both the media and society. Then, I make the decision to own who I am and not allow anyone else to dictate my truth. We all have to make that decision, the question is, are you willing to grow? To regress into bitterness, pain, and destruction?  Or do you chose to live a life of freedom and authenticity? For me, that’s an easy decision!

Final thoughts 

Female toxicity is a problem we’ve been dealing with for a while. I also, know that we are all at different stages in our personal growth and life journeys. The fact is, we have choices and while they might not all be the ones we would like or find comfortable, we still have to choose! I hope you pick ones that honor the dignity of all humans and foster growth instead of chaos and narrow mindedness. Be careful of what you allow to grow in your “garden”.

Before you go!

A good start towards breaking that cycle is through radical self-care. You can read more right here in“14 Ways To Love Yourself 365 Days A Year”!

Also, detox your kitchen pantry” and grab my FREE Pantry Detox Gude GUIDE HERE!

Want to eat more healthily? Get my Introductory Produce, Shopping Guide grab a copy HERE!!

About the author

Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog. She helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her belief is that “the cookie-cutter method only works for cookies”. This means that she helps each woman in a way that is unique to each. By doing this, she’s better able to help them transform their lives from the inside out. Her ultimate goal is to help women become healthy and empowered through the transformative self-care journey!

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I never thought I’d suffer a loss like this a second time in my own family. We always think that we have more time; that there’ll be another tomorrow to say I love you to those who mean the most to your heart. I’m so angry and filled with hurt at the fact that yet again, I find myself in this position! What makes it worse is the fact that it was so unexpected and brutal in its finality. No “goodbye”, “I love you”, or even that simple hug that I often took for granted.

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While I know I’m not the only one who has suffered multiple losses, I feel like no one “gets” what I’m feeling right now. All those little reminders around the house; the trinkets, the things left undone, they’re all just there!! Yeah, this is all part of the healing process but this time around it’s so much more difficult to accept and deal with.  This is part of my therapy; to try and make sense of something that is extremely difficult to accept and explain; especially to the younger ones who have been left behind.

Today this is my reality. Even in my capacity as a health strategist, I can appreciate the irony of it all; no warning, simply a multitasking woman on the go and then, BAAM! Just gone! For anyone else who has experienced such a loss, I know your pain. For the rest? Even when you do everything right in terms of your fitness and health, bad things can still happen. My therapy is making sure no more women die because they took on too much and received too little for themselves!

If I succeed in nothing else it’s this, there IS NEVER a good enough excuse to put your health and fitness at the bottom of your list of priorities because you’re simply multiplying the risk of something catastrophic happening to your own health. That’s one lesson I can share with you in the midst of my struggle as one who is left with the aftermath.

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Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.

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Setting boundaries is something that is huge for me, moving into a new month! Lately, I find myself butting heads with the notion of setting boundaries versus barriers and knowing the difference between the two. Too often, we default to creating barriers to own success or growth out of fear or insecurity. We often deceive ourselves into thinking (and accepting) it was the former rather than the later.

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It’s never easy when you find you have to call yourself out on your own B.S., but there you go! Better to call it out at the onset than to find yourself stagnating in the quagmire of your own crap having missed on opportunities and life. So what’s the big deal? What does it even mean when we say, setting boundaries and not, barriers? First, let’s get the dictionary definition of “boundary” and “barrier” to get some clarity. According to the online edition of Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, “a boundary is something that shows where an area ends and another area begins; a point or limit that indicates where two things become different.”

Making the distinction between setting boundaries versus boundaries

On the other hand, a barrier is defined as “something that prevents or blocks movement from one place to another; a law, rule, problem, etc., that makes something difficult or impossible.” Some might ask, why the exercise in definitions that seem relatively self-explanatory? I say, there’s a lot to be learned here; namely, your mindset plays a huge role in how you relate to other people, things, and ultimately, your lifestyle. I say this because our mindset often determines whether or not we see an opportunity before us or an obstacle or barrier.

In the context of health and wellness, the notion of self-care is seen as either an opportunity for personal renewal and growth or an obstacle to one’s achieving the completion of a set of tasks, to-do lists, etc. In this setting, your health will ALWAYS be the loser when it’s stacked against that venerable to-do list which always seems to take priority over everything else in our lives. This list I might add, that we often hide behind out of fear, uncertainty, doubt or inadequacy (at least in our own minds). This is where the shift in mindset needs to come into play!

When you realize and accept that those “tasks, to-do’s”, etc, will always be there (yes people, that’s the cycle of life; nothing ever really stops until it ceases to exist so get used to it) you can release yourself from that false sense of control that you’ve allowed yourself to be imprisoned by. The truth is, your health and fitness are central to manifesting your vision for your life because without them (a.k.a mind-body-spirit in balance) there is little hope of seeing that through to fruition.

Balance as a central feature to setting boundaries

Balance is one of the central features of a fit and healthy lifestyle and that’s why I never stop stressing the centrality of this phenomena to my clients. If you want true and sustainable health (i.e. mind-body-spirit) bringing all aspects of yourself needs to be brought into alignment. If you’re already at the point of tapping out and saying “enough is enough and time to get off the hamster wheel going nowhere” then, welcome to the beginning of your journey to self-discovery, fitness, and health! Too many times we say we’re too “busy” to “indulge” in self-care but that’s merely a choice (yes, you always have a choice) to continue down a path that has no good end or resolution. Bottom line? Setting boundaries is crucial to your overall health and wellbeing.

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When you say you’re “busy” it actually means that you don’t have “time” to take care of yourself and the things that really matter (i.e. living a full and healthy life, etc). The truth is that you are merely existing and not living! When you are out of alignment on all levels (mind, body, spirit), that manifests as a breakdown in both your physical and mental health; illness and disease begin to impact the whole.

This is at the crux of what it means in setting boundaries vs. barriers. It means making space for self-care and nourishing your mind and body and separating those destructive elements or forces that will take you and your health out of alignment. Realizing that this is not “selfish” but a necessity and indicates a level of growth few are willing to work at achieving (but that’s another topic for discussion). As women, we are constantly pushed and pulled in several directions as we strive to live up to the  ideas of other people and society; the freedom and growth comes when we release ourselves from this when we get “comfortable with being uncomfortable” as we address those internal issues and wounds that we have allowed to fester.

Growth and healing are not always comfortable or easy; in fact, they often require a level of exposure and examination that make uncomfortable seem like a cake walk but it’s necessary if you want to achieve your authentic self. The other alternative? Continue to merely exist and remain a slave to your fears and perceptions of the outside world. What a choice huh? For more on this read “why it’s so hard for women to self-care” right here.

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Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.

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What are you doing?

Do you catch yourself always making or being available for everything and anyone? Not setting boundaries? Stop that! It’s time for some self-care. STOP putting your needs aside and face up to the fact that you need to build some fences.
Being selfless, helpful, and nurturing is admirable but, there comes a time when you need to set conditions. This also means limiting access to your time and sacred space. I’m all for “doing” but when or, at what point do you replenish and renew yourself  (i.e. self-care, tend to your own needs, etc) or even ask for some assistance for yourself or for a personal task?

When you’re always available you’re NOT setting boundaries

That’s not being unselfish or “giving”, that’s what I call INSECURE;  unable to separate your own worth or value from your ability to “help” or be “available.”  More specifically, coupling your identity and self-worth to your ability to “help” or be needed by someone else.

Breaking the cycle

In other words, if you find yourself constantly stuck in a cycle (a.k.a. hamster wheel going nowhere) of continuous tasks, obligations,  or activities for other people  (and finding it difficult to say no), you’ve got a problem and not the other way around. There was a time when I too found it not only difficult to say no but also found it hard to set limits for other people and things.

Balance

Setting and being able to set boundaries also speaks to the issue of balance. It’s also an aspect of personal development in terms of what and who you allow into your sacred space (a.k.a your home, environment or personal space, etc). For instance, not knowing when to say no to a request is a problem! That goes for double for anything that is not in alignment with your wants, comfort level, etc. It’s also a flashing red light that says,   more”inside” work needed!

The point

In other words, you shouldn’t feel pressed into agreeing with a position if it goes against the core of your being. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with refusing to engage or feel obligated to do something that you know will take you out of alignment with your core beliefs or feels invasive. To me, that’s not a growth-driven discomfort but rather smacks of someone trying to get in your Koolaid without knowing your flavor!

In retrospect

Looking back, I’ve seen soo many instances where I was not setting boundaries because of my own personal development shortcomings. At the end of the day,  I wound up on the losing end of things. I’ve since discovered I’m not alone in this experience and for women, this seems to be one of our weak points. Not knowing our own value and failing to appreciate our unique authentic selves, is what society has trained us to do.

There’s always that one client who asks “what does that have to do with getting fit?” A lot actually! My question to you today is, ARE YOU READY TO DO WHAT’S NECESSARY, start setting boundaries, OR stay on the hamster wheel going nowhere?

About the author

Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog. She helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her belief is that “the cookie-cutter method only works for cookies”. This means that she helps each woman in a way that is unique to each woman. By doing this, she’s better able to help them transform their lives from the inside out. Her ultimate goal is to help women become healthy and empowered through the transformative self-care journey!