Women behaving badly (“female toxicity”)
Today I decided to express my thoughts on a troubling and destructive behavior I’ve come across in recent weeks. While I know that a number of women often fall victim to the comparison monster and their images of self, I’ve never grown accustomed to those who choose to victimize other women (aka female toxicity). They do this instead of seeking the necessary healing and personal development they need in order to break free from these destructive practices!
What do I mean?
Well, I’m referring to a toxic interaction I had with another female author on the issue of “fat-shaming” and it’s effects on women who have been victimized by it. In our discussion, this individual chooses to engage in a form of cyberbullying rather than express her opinions and move on (i.e. agree to disagree). It is never a good or honorable thing to project one’s issues, pain, insecurities, or perceived shortcomings, onto another individual regardless of your stance on a particular topic!
A little bit of what women and girls face daily
Women face a constant barrage of “noise” and obstacles. We often face gender inequality, skewed images of beauty, and misogyny from both society and media. I refuse to be silent in the face of such toxicity without both challenging and speaking to the issue of bullying in larger terms. We live in an age where hate is being normalized and misogyny is being masqueraded as “plain speaking” or “politically incorrect”. Even body-shaming (fat-shaming and body shaming in general terms), is being viewed as appropriate, justified, humorous, and everyday speech!
I’m never okay with a bully!
I can recall an old African proverb that states “Ashes fly back into the face of him (or in this case, her) who throws them.” It is my hope that all the “adults” in this digital space, have made the same calculation and are evolved enough to state their cases. Just, move on without trying to demean or bully (i.e. engage in female toxicity) others in the process.
It is true that in some instances, the abused often becomes the abuser for a variety of reasons (unresolved pain points, lack of treatment, etc). I’ll leave it there because I feel this is best left to the experts out there.
We have all been wounded at some point in our lives, but the real victory, healing, and wholeness (i.e. growth) come from facing and or addressing our issues. Rather than projecting with the aim of deriving relief through the victimization of others, get some healing! Experience and observation have shown me that this is neither healthy nor sustainable. Ultimately, it is self-destructive and creates an inauthentic and damaged version of self.
Crabs in a barrel mentality
For women, that “need” to compare ourselves to other women with the desperate hope of becoming “her” or tearing “her” down will never fill that “hole”. Female toxicity is often left by wounds that have been left to fester through either neglect, ignorance, choice, or some combination of all three. Add to that the dimension of socio-cultural pressures, and it becomes a toxic yoke that calls for a level of internal work that is difficult to achieve without professional help.
The “Suck”
That also depends on the amount of “deep work” needed and a willingness to embrace the “suck”. While I’m intimately acquainted with being both victim and perpetrator of this, I made the personal commitment and decision to get off of that crazy train embrace my authentic self. Yes, I had to embrace my flaws and free myself in the process.
The media and culture’s contribution to this toxicity
Every day, I see a stream of images and myths from both the media and society. Then, I make the decision to own who I am and not allow anyone else to dictate my truth. We all have to make that decision, the question is, are you willing to grow? To regress into bitterness, pain, and destruction? Or do you chose to live a life of freedom and authenticity? For me, that’s an easy decision!
Final thoughts
Female toxicity is a problem we’ve been dealing with for a while. I also, know that we are all at different stages in our personal growth and life journeys. The fact is, we have choices and while they might not all be the ones we would like or find comfortable, we still have to choose! I hope you pick ones that honor the dignity of all humans and foster growth instead of chaos and narrow mindedness. Be careful of what you allow to grow in your “garden”.
Before you go!
A good start towards breaking that cycle is through radical self-care. You can read more right here in“14 Ways To Love Yourself 365 Days A Year”!
Also, detox your kitchen pantry” and grab my FREE Pantry Detox Gude GUIDE HERE!
Want to eat more healthily? Get my Introductory Produce, Shopping Guide grab a copy HERE!!
About the author
Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog. She helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her belief is that “the cookie-cutter method only works for cookies”. This means that she helps each woman in a way that is unique to each. By doing this, she’s better able to help them transform their lives from the inside out. Her ultimate goal is to help women become healthy and empowered through the transformative self-care journey!
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