Tag personal development

People Pleasing

It’s no big secret that many of us are either people pleasers or recovering people pleasers. What is new, is that women all over the world, are finally saying enough is enough! While some folks are probably saying, what’s the big deal? The major problem with this disease to please, is that it hugely impacts so many areas of our lives, not to mention our over all health and wellness. For many women, people pleasing is a default and often takes over their lives. Often times, they don’t see it because they’ve been conditioned or domesticated to this state. In short, people pleasing is so insidious that we women, miss it’s huge negative impacts on our lives.

Some signs of a people pleaser

1. Apologizing for things that are not your fault.

2. Agreeing with whoever is in front of you.

3. You can never say no or, finding it extremely difficult to say no.

4. Your sense of self worth depends on how others see you.

5. Changing your personality depending on who’s in front of you, or fitting it to meet other people’s expectations.

6. Prioritizing the needs of others over your own-every single time.

7. Hyper criticism of yourself and others

More on this

As a people pleaser, you often take responsibility for other people’s emotions. You might also feel anxiety around them possibly targeting you as the source of their issues. This often leaves you feeling fearful and that you’re walking on eggshells around a minefield of someone else’s emotions or emotional responses. Let’s not forget, in the case of women, this behavior is amplified even more.

Remember that saying, “she’s trying too hard”? Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. People pleasing usually draws you into the trap of trying to be everything to everyone. That also means, changing who you are to be accepted by the masses or modifying your external appearance to fit a certain ideal. Are you seeing the pattern here yet? That gnawing feeling of inauthenticity or sense that you’re not being real, is typical of people pleasing folks.

Is this you? 

Struggling or being unable to say no is also a behavior that’s typical for a people pleaser. For her, its easier to make excuses to get out of a commitment. But even that is anxiety and fear inducing, often leading to feelings of regret or self-criticism. Also, shifting your actions to fit into what you believe is expected of you is another characteristic of people pleasers. If this is you, just no that awareness is the first step toward healing from this way of being.

Woman to woman, I definitely feel your pain and as a former people pleaser, let me just say, I get that this is not easy to get over. But, growing and healing from this state is more than possible. Not only that, it is necessary in order to grow and evolve  into the best version of yourself. Also, this a must if you ever want to break the yoke  of domestication and laying on the altar of other people’s expectations. Another thing to consider is, if you feel like you won’t  be valued or appreciated without any of this “stuff”, know that you’ve probably got the disease to please!

A few things to really think about

Being a people pleaser has a number of ugly side effects and if you are one, you’ll recognize some of these effects:

1. An inability or lack of self-care. When you suffer from “pp” (aka, people pleasing), self-care is at best an afterthought and at worse, completely absent. Prioritizing your own health and wellbeing drifts farther and farther down your to-do list.

2. Simmering resentment is another consequence of being a people pleaser. Always sidelining your own needs, wants and desires, eventually leads to a build-up of resentment and bitterness. This sometimes manifest in you getting sick, feeling stretched beyond your limits or burnout. Also, that resentment can affect your mood and temperament.

3. Critical and judgmental. Feeling judge-y much? Yeah, you’ve probably got some people pleasing tendencies going on there! Sometimes our resentment can manifest in hyper criticism (of ourselves and others) as well as judgement. There’s literally no room for grace, either for ourselves or for other people.

4. As i mentioned earlier, people pleasing behavior is really bad for your health! The constant stress of trying to be everything to everyone, elevates your stress hormones. With that comes other issues like chronic illness, insomnia, and the list goes on.

Final thoughts

Clearly, being a people pleaser is not all it’s cracked up to be and is something no woman on the planet, should subscribe to! Half the battle is recognizing people pleasing for what it is-a destructive behavior that imprisons you. It traps you in an ever repeating soul-numbing cycle that robs you of your health and ultimately, of living a fulfilling life. Check out my post budget-friendly selfcare strategies for 365 days a year right here! In that post I discuss some great ideas for selfcare that are both realistic and effective.

As always my door is always open to women who need the support of a safe community and guidance. With that in mind, book a free 30 min session with me or follow me on instagram (you can dm me as well) too!

Books worth reading

This Bridge Called My Back is one book that I just could not put down. Last summer I spent a large block of time, focusing on reading and personal development. To say it was a journey would be an understatement. Some of the power of this book has to do with the fact that it not only looks at women’s personal development and empowerment, but it’s also about the generational struggle that women of color grapple with on a daily basis. While my list consists of books like Brené Brown’s Rising Strong, to other powerful collection of stories such as those found in Unleashing Her Wild, This Bridge Called My Back, continues to draw me back into its pages.

Why this book resonates with me

This Bridge Called My Back,  speaks of ”everything” mainstream /traditional feminism does not. It is all-inclusive. It is raw, powerful and at the same time, nourishing. This book lays out the pivotal differences between mainstream/ traditional feminism, a space occupied by seemingly ”woke” white women who grudgingly share the stage and fruits of bloody activism with WOC (women of color).

For the personal growth babes out there

A book that fearlessly delves into the ugly foundations of this nation’s past, This Bridge Called My Back talks about a very different form of feminist philosophy and discourse. This ”feminism” (Womanism) is a very different beast. Through the various essays and stories retold by the collection of authors, it’s very clear that the ”feminism” embraced by black women, women of the diaspora, and the broader collective of WOC is inclusive of transgender women, ALL women, as well as the marginalized (this inclusivity of others that have been marginalized is a demonstrated characteristic of the “nurturing” aspect of womanism), at the intersection of racial, social, economic and environmental equality justice.

A little insight on black feminism

Womanism/ black feminism embraces and tries to lift all voices of women and the marginalized at the intersection of race, gender, and equality. In short, there’s no room for ”privileged” feminism also known as “white women ”wokeness” masquerading as feminist inclusivity and gender equity. After all, it’s that same “feminism” that appropriated the #MeToo Movement started by a black woman, and subsequently erased her and the voices she represented from the political stage and table of discourse. But, we’ll revisit that story at a later date.

My Final Thoughts: This Bridge Called My Back

I think this is arguably more relevant today or at the very least, as relevant now as it was when it was originally written and published more than 30 years ago. It speaks to the ugly truth about the founding of both this nation and society, that many in places of power are unwilling and or are afraid to shine a light on. If you truly want to be ”schooled” on what it means to be a ”wild woman”, a woman-who-runs-with-the-wolves, a bad-ass-bitch, etc, then THIS is one of the books that will take you there! For a complete ”edu-ma-cation” you’ll have to accompany this fiery book with Angela Y. Davis’ “Women, Race & Class” but that’s only if you can handle that level of truth!

Some take-aways

Having said that, I challenge every woman across the globe, to open her mind, reach across the empty and war-torn spaces to create change. Be that change WE truly want to see in this world. To make it a place where equality, social justice, and basic human dignity is non-negotiable and where ALL are both worthy and enough!

My other reviews

If you haven’t checked it out already, don’t forget to read my review on Unleashing Her Wild, another awesome read for women everywhere. Also, head over to my virtual bookshelf at amazon.com for more fiery female-focused reads right here!

I’ve also begun to slowly add to my list of favorite lifestyle must-haves, etc on amazon so definitely head over to amazon.com to see what I’m adding to my stash and feel free to offer your own suggestions and favorites to the mix. It’s time to get “whole” healthy and undomesticated!! 

About The Author

Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog. She helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her belief is that “the cookie-cutter method only works for cookies”. This means that she helps each woman in a way that is unique to each woman. By doing this, she’s better able to help them transform their lives from the inside out. Her ultimate goal is to help women become healthy and empowered through the transformative self-care journey!

One of the most striking features about “Unleashing Her Wild”  is the level of discomfort and raw truth you experience within these pages. Each story draws you into experience life-changing events for each of these women. I cried and I got angry.  In some instances, I was triggered by some aspects of this book. 

A book every woman needs to read!

We, women, know, and yet many of us remain silent. “Unleashing Her Wild” is both a challenge and manifesto for women everywhere, to embrace their true selves. It is a call to own our imperfections, and reclaim our feminine power. While it may not have all the answers, “Unleashing Her Wild” asks us to look inside and make the choice. Are we going to be brave? Are we going to be brave enough to not allow ourselves to be forced into conformity and caricatures of who we are as both women and humans?

Who we are as  women when we “Unleash” our inner wild woman

We are human but our power is in embracing our own feminine energies. In it, we recognize that while it is different than the masculine force, it is in no way inferior or lacking in its ability to effect change.  It’s feminine, it’s beautiful, and it’s divine!  Unleashing Her Wild is a great collection of stories told by women walking separate and unique paths who are sharing their collective ancestral wisdom and experiences with us all.

You can snag your copy from my virtual bookshelf right here!

A Closer Look at Unleashing Her Wild

I won’t give away the goodies here, but I will highlight just a few of those stories that resonated with me on a deeper level. In the first chapter entitled, “The Remembering” (by Donna Tack), I  was deeply moved.  Her story took me through an almost “shamanistic” journey in which I saw her move from the darkest places of her being to one of revelation, awakening, and empowerment. “Remembering” resonated with me because I found similarities between her story and my own. It is something I know to be true for a majority of the stories in this collection.

Next must-read

In “We Always Get A Choice” (by Michelle Arnold), her story was equally poignant and raw. I found myself near tears as I read the struggle in her journey; my heart growing tight with both pain and hope as I connected with her experiences. All of these women candidly share their vulnerabilities, sharp edges, and victories along the path to true awakening and empowerment-oh, those “choices” she had to make!

Another captivating chapter in Unleashing Her Wild is called “Color Outside The Line” (by Kiki Carr). In it, she shares her struggle to break free from and victory over socio-cultural perceptions (aka, other people’s expectations, etc), self-worth, and discovering what it means to truly be “wild”, authentic and grounded in her own power.

A powerful and evocative retelling of life experience as a pathway to growth

These are just a few of the life-changing stories within the pages of this book, but all have the power to change and transform each of our lives in a meaningful way. All in all, there are a total of ten chapters with each story weaving and connecting with one another under the umbrella of a single unifying theme. This divine feminine energy cocreates with us. With it we are tapping into our intuition, our experiences, and ultimately empowering us to rise into who we were always meant to be.

My Final Thoughts on “Unleashing Her Wild”

Each woman’s story calls us to be brave, to break the silence, and throw off the shackles of “other people’s expectations”. We also need to be our authentic selves without fear. Ultimately, what I gained here was a sense of sisterhood. I left with hope and a birds-eye-view of what happens when you embark on a journey of healing and empowerment.  Needless to say, there is power and freedom in self-discovery when added to a growth mindset!

I talk about these topics and more, in two of my articles at HuffPost’s Thrive Global online magazine right here and here! Also, share your thoughts on women’s self-care in the context of self-worth in an earlier post this year.

About the author

Tonye Tariah is a Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads. She helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits. She believes that “the cookie-cutter method only works for cookies”. Meaning, she helps each woman in a  way that is unique to her needs. By doing this, she’s better able to help them transform their lives from the inside out. It’s not about helping you lose weight quickly. Her process is about changing habits and helping women fall in love with themselves so they can be both healthy and fulfilled!

Why Selfcare is difficult for women

I know how difficult it is to find time to actually practice self-care. Like most women around the world, each day is usually a constant balancing act of taking care of other people, their expectations, and a whole slew of obligations! Regardless of what corner of the world we live in, selfcare is difficult for women to varying degrees.

The daily reality for the average woman

There are few women in the real world, who can say they are always able to make time for their self-care needs and without the guilt and burden of constantly trying to live up to the expectations of others (including society). For every woman that has struggled to break free from that cycle of guilt around making time for their own self-care and their needs in general, it really is “all in your head!”.  Yes, selfcare is difficult for women-especially if you’re trying to first meet the needs and expectations of other people, etc.

What selfcare is not

Let’s be clear, doing for both family and community is something we should all aspire to but that is not to say that one should neglect one’s own wellbeing. Historically, women have had to choose between their own self-care and the needs of others. That’s in addition to the demands made by society and culture.

A bit of history about the self-care movement 

The self-care movement was birthed during the anti-war and civil rights movements. It has it’s origins in the medical sphere as both physicians and academicians were looking at strategies to mitigate the effects of high-stress work environments on healthcare workers. Later on, it transformed into a broader movement as it became politicized during the civil rights and women’s movement of the ’60s and early ’70s.

With that in mind here are a few quick tips to help you begin to break the cycle

1. Start saying “NO”! I know it sounds easy, but I also know how difficult it is to do this when you have been conditioned and silenced by society for so long. Like most women, I put my needs, desires, and health far below that of family and other obligations. I also watched women in my family and lineage suffer the same fate. Experience has shown me that the only way to break the cycle is to start with the word “NO”.  Believe it or not, this one word contains a lot of power and has the effect of shaking up the status quo and activates a place in your core that has long been silent and ineffectual.

2. Know what it means to have boundaries and create them (if you don’t know).  It starts with self-discovery and identifying what is in alignment with your inner self versus what is in violation of those core beliefs and or elements.

3. Stop asking for permission to self-care. Again, sounds pretty straight forward but it will surprise you to find out how much resistance you encounter when you begin to assert yourself and enforce your boundaries!

4. Take ownership of your entire self (i.e. self-acceptance) including the good, the bad and the ugly. After all, if you don’t accept yourself, you can not expect anyone else to do so either.

What you can expect on this journey:

As I mentioned earlier, be prepared for some push-back when you begin to use your voice and as you put your boundaries in place. That being said, the freedom and level of transformation are more than worth it!

What you will gain this journey:

One of the most meaningful gains from this process is empowerment. Freedom from self-sabotage and servitude to other people’s expectations is no small accomplishment. Especially when it means regaining your power and ability to speak your truth without the fear of being judged or shamed into silence. Click this link to find out more about how to break the cycle of O.P.E!

Before you go

At the end of the day, if you don’t value your health and wellbeing, no one else will. That’s the harsh truth of the matter. If you’re struggling to come up with good selfcare ideas in the midst of this global “lockdown, read  “14 Ways To Love Yourself 365 Days A Year”14 Ways To Love Yourself This Valentine’s Day

About the author

Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog. She helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her belief is that “the cookie-cutter method only works for cookies”. This means that she helps each woman in a way that is unique to each woman. By doing this, she’s better able to help them transform their lives from the inside out. Her ultimate goal is to help women become healthy and empowered through the transformative self-care journey!