Archives January 2022

People Pleasing

It’s no big secret that many of us are either people pleasers or recovering people pleasers. What is new, is that women all over the world, are finally saying enough is enough! While some folks are probably saying, what’s the big deal? The major problem with this disease to please, is that it hugely impacts so many areas of our lives, not to mention our over all health and wellness. For many women, people pleasing is a default and often takes over their lives. Often times, they don’t see it because they’ve been conditioned or domesticated to this state. In short, people pleasing is so insidious that we women, miss it’s huge negative impacts on our lives.

Some signs of a people pleaser

1. Apologizing for things that are not your fault.

2. Agreeing with whoever is in front of you.

3. You can never say no or, finding it extremely difficult to say no.

4. Your sense of self worth depends on how others see you.

5. Changing your personality depending on who’s in front of you, or fitting it to meet other people’s expectations.

6. Prioritizing the needs of others over your own-every single time.

7. Hyper criticism of yourself and others

More on this

As a people pleaser, you often take responsibility for other people’s emotions. You might also feel anxiety around them possibly targeting you as the source of their issues. This often leaves you feeling fearful and that you’re walking on eggshells around a minefield of someone else’s emotions or emotional responses. Let’s not forget, in the case of women, this behavior is amplified even more.

Remember that saying, “she’s trying too hard”? Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. People pleasing usually draws you into the trap of trying to be everything to everyone. That also means, changing who you are to be accepted by the masses or modifying your external appearance to fit a certain ideal. Are you seeing the pattern here yet? That gnawing feeling of inauthenticity or sense that you’re not being real, is typical of people pleasing folks.

Is this you? 

Struggling or being unable to say no is also a behavior that’s typical for a people pleaser. For her, its easier to make excuses to get out of a commitment. But even that is anxiety and fear inducing, often leading to feelings of regret or self-criticism. Also, shifting your actions to fit into what you believe is expected of you is another characteristic of people pleasers. If this is you, just no that awareness is the first step toward healing from this way of being.

Woman to woman, I definitely feel your pain and as a former people pleaser, let me just say, I get that this is not easy to get over. But, growing and healing from this state is more than possible. Not only that, it is necessary in order to grow and evolve  into the best version of yourself. Also, this a must if you ever want to break the yoke  of domestication and laying on the altar of other people’s expectations. Another thing to consider is, if you feel like you won’t  be valued or appreciated without any of this “stuff”, know that you’ve probably got the disease to please!

A few things to really think about

Being a people pleaser has a number of ugly side effects and if you are one, you’ll recognize some of these effects:

1. An inability or lack of self-care. When you suffer from “pp” (aka, people pleasing), self-care is at best an afterthought and at worse, completely absent. Prioritizing your own health and wellbeing drifts farther and farther down your to-do list.

2. Simmering resentment is another consequence of being a people pleaser. Always sidelining your own needs, wants and desires, eventually leads to a build-up of resentment and bitterness. This sometimes manifest in you getting sick, feeling stretched beyond your limits or burnout. Also, that resentment can affect your mood and temperament.

3. Critical and judgmental. Feeling judge-y much? Yeah, you’ve probably got some people pleasing tendencies going on there! Sometimes our resentment can manifest in hyper criticism (of ourselves and others) as well as judgement. There’s literally no room for grace, either for ourselves or for other people.

4. As i mentioned earlier, people pleasing behavior is really bad for your health! The constant stress of trying to be everything to everyone, elevates your stress hormones. With that comes other issues like chronic illness, insomnia, and the list goes on.

Final thoughts

Clearly, being a people pleaser is not all it’s cracked up to be and is something no woman on the planet, should subscribe to! Half the battle is recognizing people pleasing for what it is-a destructive behavior that imprisons you. It traps you in an ever repeating soul-numbing cycle that robs you of your health and ultimately, of living a fulfilling life. Check out my post budget-friendly selfcare strategies for 365 days a year right here! In that post I discuss some great ideas for selfcare that are both realistic and effective.

As always my door is always open to women who need the support of a safe community and guidance. With that in mind, book a free 30 min session with me or follow me on instagram (you can dm me as well) too!

Time for a new you!

Yes ladies, its the New Year and as usual you’re ready to through in the proverbial towel because it’s looking like this year is going to be a repeat of 2021! Guess what? You’re not alone. I’m going to give you the top 3 reasons why your New Years resolution is not working out for you! Who doesn’t want to level up in the new year? But so many times we fall short for a variety of reasons and wind up feeling like a failure and demotivated. There’s hope for all of us though. By breaking down what’s really going on, we can all achieve our goals!

What we know

It’s no secret that most of us come up with New Years resolutions every year, but more times than not, they fall off the wagon. Most people make plans to change their fitness and health in dramatic ways. They want to eat healthier, lose weight, get a healthy work-life balance, etc. For women, these are often lofty goals that quickly fall by the wayside as we struggle to meet the needs of everyone around us. All of that pressure and expectations, take a toll.

Here are a few things to think about

Starting from the bottom up, your resolution(s) is not working because you really don’t have a plan. Second, you’re being unrealistic in both expectations and execution. Finally, and this is huge, you don’t have the right mindset! Now, lets break this down into 3 reasons why your New Years resolution is not working out for you.

3 major reasons it’s not coming together for you

When you have a real plan, it’s not too hard to execute assuming you don’t have any other issues (i.e. mindset, etc). For example, its not enough to say, “I’m going to or I want to lose weight next year”. Vague statement goals like this, only set you up for failure because they lack specificity and are vague. Second, you are being unrealistic in terms of both framing (not framing them positively, i.e. the resolve to stop wasting money or eating junk food) and expected outcome. Another reason we fail, has to do with mindset. This has to do with the story we are telling ourselves as well as the language we are using -negative vs. positive language. I address this even further for women in a previous post, right here.

As I’ve mentioned before, internal work is crucial for anyone who wants to actually see their goals comes true and achieve real transformation. That means reading books like these (click here to access my virtual bookshelf), to help you gain insight about self-sabotaging behaviors. In addition to this, getting therapy, health coach, etc, may also be needed on your journey.

What you can do now

Stop putting unnecessary pressure on yourself! Too many times, we add to our overwhelm and guilt. We do this by pilling on the pressure of “other people’s expectations”, etc. We spend so much mental and emotional energy focusing on what other people think of us, our own warped perceptions of ourselves, that we get discouraged and demotivated before we can even see results.

A reminder for women

As women, we’ve largely been conditioned to take on the burden of societal expectations, ideals and, norms of what constitutes the “ideal woman”, beauty, etc. So, when you first commit to throwing off that “yoke” of domestication, it becomes easier to focus your energy on what you want to do, for you. That means your fitness and health goals, as well as overall selfcare. Next, ask yourself what you want to achieve for the new year. Forget about what others might think of your goals and you; simply focus on what you need and want.

More on this

However, before you even get to this point, you need to ask yourself one very important question. Why do you want or need to do this? Is it for purely health reasons? Are you trying to reclaim your power (i.e. self-empowerment)? Or is it, all of the above. If it’s all of the above you need to get a plan and individualized support to help you get started. Typically, partnering with a health or wellness coach is the best way to ensure success. Hey, we’re already well into the first part of the new year. That being the case, I’d rather partner with an expert than go it alone. Why risk winding up with a repeat of the previous year?

Final thoughts

A wise person once said, “the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result”. If we’re honest with ourselves, we know this on some level. The problem lies in our capacity to break down all of this “stuff” that gets in the way of our realizing results. If this is a real struggle for you and you don’t want a repeat of last year, book a free 30 clarity call with me right here! Let’s stay connected here (susbscribe to the newletter) or join my community on IG.