Category Mindset

Selfcare and the realities of setting boundaries for black women

It’s hard enough learning and setting boundaries, as a woman. As usual, when it comes to black women living and existing in America, that becomes even more of a challenge. Black women are exhausted but still expected to show up 100% at home and in the workplace. For the average black woman, there is no room for selfcare or taking a mental health day. Often times, they are expected by society and culture to exist and toil for the benefit of others and that, in itself should be reward enough!

Some observations about selfcare as a black woman

 The struggle is real and can often seem daunting especially when you consider all of the intersections that we as black women have to navigate daily. Also, historically and culturally, women have been conditioned to allow others to access our labour and resources to the point of exhaustion, if not death. As a matter of fact, it has been so normalized that when we start reclaiming our power and setting boundaries, they are often met with resistance and hostility from unexpected places. It does not matter that Black women are exhausted, stressed and many in poor health due to a lack of selfcare and setting boundaries.

It starts in the mind

I hate to sound cliche but selfcare, selflove, etc regardless of where you are in the world, begins in the mind! It’s also why so many “forces” (i.e. patriarchy, misogyny, etc) don’t want women to access selfcare and are so violently opposed to these concepts. While patriarchy and misogny(noir) are not new-they’ve been in operation for millennia, what is new is the global awakening of women. In order to access selfcare and selflove, you have to first become self aware.

What does that mean?

What this means is that, Black women are coming to the realization that we are human before our we are women, and we don’t need to prove our worth to anyone. It also means freeing our minds from the societal and cultural indoctrination (domestication) that has gaslit women into thinking they don’t deserve to live autonomously or have the right to pursue their dreams, grow, etc.

Black women are exhausted and have been so, for a long time

For much of our time here in North America, particularly here in the U.S., black women have been the proverbial “canaries in the coal mines” of society and culture. Our labour, resources and energy have been siphoned from us, without our consent. The few occasions when consent has been granted it was often under duress or outright deception. Now, the tide is changing as black women and women globally awaken to reclaim their autonomy, resources and power. Needless to say, those who have long benefited from the subjugation of women, are in violent opposition and unhappy to say the least.

Black women at the intersection of patriarchy and white supremacy

Because of patriarchy and white supremacy, Black women have historically borne the brunt of inequity and discrimination. As a result, we’ve been disproportionately affected by the impacts of these poisonous systems and their institutions. Whether it is maternal health outcomes, treatment in the justice system, etc, Black women are the most harmed. In short, Black women are exhausted from the seemingly never ending task of navigating these systems and conditions. Awakening to these realities, rather than remaining on the hamster wheel going no where, is the beginning of the selfcare journey!

A brief reminder of her-story

Arguably, women globally have been the observers and harbingers of what’s coming as we have watched patriarchy destroy both humanity and the planet. Women are relearning “her-story” and coming to realize that we have been lied to and outright bamboozled!  Yes, before all of “this” we had power, were builders, and protectors of both humanity and the planet. In short, equality and equity have always translated into alignment and universal balance as it is the universal order of things.

Selfcare strategies to save your mind and body

Being a woman is unlike anything in the universe and we need to start walking in our power and truth. To begin to do that, we need each need selfcare strategies and tools that we help us thrive and not just survive on this blue globe! Our default does not have be exhaustion,stress and dis-ease. Consistent selfcare means a reduction in stress, fatigue and illness. It also means a far better quality of life and the ability to focus on those interests that elevate our lives. Research has shown that repeated stress, trauma, etc age and cause disease in all areas of the body. This also impacts our mental health status. You can read more on selfcare right here!

So why the shift?

The shift is taking place as more and more black women connect globally. Through social media and other platforms, black women are not just sharing stories and experiences, we are sharing knowledge. As more of awaken to the damages and lies of patriarchy, misogyny and anti-blackness, we are moving strategically. With knowledge and healing comes the ability to get off the altar of other people’s expectations. In this way, we reclaim our health, dreams and passions. Global politics, especially as it pertains to North America, has been a huge eye opener for black women. As we watch women’s rights be dismantled, the stripping away of reproductive rights, etc, it’s clear to see the writing on the wall. Be sure to tune into my YouTube channel as I really go “in” on this!

Final Thoughts

As more and more black women realize the options available to them globally, the more the fire and fight for true liberation burns. The myth of black excellence, proving yourself to justify your worth, begging for a seat at the table of institutional racism, etc is crumbling. Now, black women are finally beginning to make choices that are in their best interest and most of that is founded on selfcare and healing. Additionally, as more black women to begin to seek therapy, do the internal work, etc,  we can expect the societal impact to hit even harder. Arguably, that’s why those who have benefited from unchecked access to black women’s labor are getting more upset and loud about it. News flash: stay mad!

Safety and security first

I’m always surprised at how many women don’t know safety and security go hand in hand with selfcare. Selfcare is an essential tool for Black women to navigate the unique challenges they face in the world. However, selfcare is often thought of as being limited to physical and mental wellness, without considering the importance of personal safety in our selfcare. Safety and self care go together sis! In this context, security includes feeling safe in one’s environment, having access to resources, and feeling financially stable. These elements are essential for Black women to truly take care of themselves and improve their overall well-being. On one small note, this post may contain Amazon affiliate links from which I will receive a small percentage!

One of the key ways in which security can be a pillar of selfcare for black women is by ensuring that they feel safe in their environment. This means feeling safe in their homes, workplaces, and communities. Black women are disproportionately affected by crime and violence, and it is essential for them to feel safe in order to engage in self-care activities. This can be done by taking steps to improve personal safety. This means being aware of one’s surroundings, and also advocating for policies that promote safety in Black women’s communities.

More context on the idea of safety and security in selfcare

Another way in which security can be a pillar of selfcare for Black women is by ensuring they have access to resources. This includes access to food, housing, healthcare, and education. Black women are disproportionately affected by poverty, and it is essential for them to have access to resources in order to improve their overall well-being. This can be done by advocating for policies that promote economic justice and by seeking out resources in the community.

Security also includes feeling financially stable. Financial stability is an important aspect of self-care for Black women, as it allows them to meet their basic needs, provide for their families, and plan for the future. Financial stability can be achieved by creating a budget, building an emergency fund, and investing in long-term savings.

Some final thoughts

In conclusion, security is a critical aspect of selfcare for Black women. Black women have unique challenges that need to be addressed in order for them to truly take care of themselves. Security can be achieved by feeling safe in one’s environment, having access to resources, and feeling financially stable. Self-care is not limited to physical and mental wellness, but it should include all aspects of well-being, including security. By including security in their self-care practices, Black women can improve their overall well-being, feel more in control of their lives, and navigate the challenges they face with resilience and determination.

A few tips on how Black women can incorporate security into their selfcare practices

1. Take steps to improve personal safety. This includes being aware of one’s surroundings, avoiding dangerous areas, and carrying pepper spray or a personal alarm.
2. Advocate for policies that promote safety in Black women’s communities. This includes supporting initiatives to reduce crime and violence, and advocating for increased funding for community policing programs.
3. Seek out resources in the community. This includes connecting with local organizations that provide support with food, housing, healthcare, and education.
4. Create a budget and invest in long-term savings. This includes creating a budget to manage your finances, building an emergency fund, and investing in long-term savings to ensure financial stability.
5. Seek out therapy or counselling. This includes seeking out therapy or counseling to help you process any trauma or stress that you may be experiencing.
6. Connect with other Black women for support. An example would be connecting with other Black women in your community, or joining a support group. This can provide a sense of community and support to help you navigate the challenges you face.
7. Prioritize self-care and make it a regular practice.This means including security as a regular self-care practice, and incorporating it into your daily routine.

An important reminder about security and self care

It’s important to remember that selfcare is a continuous journey that requires patience and consistency. It’s essential to find what works best for you, and to be kind to yourself when implementing these tips. Remember that security is a critical aspect of self-care for Black women, and it’s essential to include it in order to improve overall well-being, feel more in control of one’s life, and navigate the challenges they face with resilience and determination.

Some real life examples of how Black women can incorporate safety and security into their self-care practices

1. Example 1: A Black woman who lives in a high-crime area can take steps to improve her personal safety. This includes taking a self-defense class, avoiding dangerous areas, and carrying pepper spray or a personal alarm. She can also advocate for policies that promote safety in her community, such as increased funding for community policing programs. Additionally, she can seek out resources in the community, such as counseling or therapy, to help her process any trauma or stress she may be experiencing.
2. Example 2: A Black woman who is struggling financially can take steps to improve her financial stability. This includes creating a budget, building an emergency fund, and investing in long-term savings. She can also seek out resources in the community, such as job training programs or financial counseling. Additionally, she can connect with other Black women for support, such as joining a support group or connecting with a financial advisor.

Last but not least

It’s important to remember that self-care is a continuous journey that requires patience and consistency. It’s essential to find what works best for you, and to be kind to yourself when implementing these tips. Remember that security is a critical aspect of self-care for Black women, and it’s essential to include it in order to improve overall well-being, feel more in control of one’s life, and navigate the challenges they face with resilience and determination. Also, be sure to check out my virtual book shelf for some of the best books for women this year! Please be safe out there my sistas!

Time for a new you!

Yes ladies, its the New Year and as usual you’re ready to through in the proverbial towel because it’s looking like this year is going to be a repeat of 2021! Guess what? You’re not alone. I’m going to give you the top 3 reasons why your New Years resolution is not working out for you! Who doesn’t want to level up in the new year? But so many times we fall short for a variety of reasons and wind up feeling like a failure and demotivated. There’s hope for all of us though. By breaking down what’s really going on, we can all achieve our goals!

What we know

It’s no secret that most of us come up with New Years resolutions every year, but more times than not, they fall off the wagon. Most people make plans to change their fitness and health in dramatic ways. They want to eat healthier, lose weight, get a healthy work-life balance, etc. For women, these are often lofty goals that quickly fall by the wayside as we struggle to meet the needs of everyone around us. All of that pressure and expectations, take a toll.

Here are a few things to think about

Starting from the bottom up, your resolution(s) is not working because you really don’t have a plan. Second, you’re being unrealistic in both expectations and execution. Finally, and this is huge, you don’t have the right mindset! Now, lets break this down into 3 reasons why your New Years resolution is not working out for you.

3 major reasons it’s not coming together for you

When you have a real plan, it’s not too hard to execute assuming you don’t have any other issues (i.e. mindset, etc). For example, its not enough to say, “I’m going to or I want to lose weight next year”. Vague statement goals like this, only set you up for failure because they lack specificity and are vague. Second, you are being unrealistic in terms of both framing (not framing them positively, i.e. the resolve to stop wasting money or eating junk food) and expected outcome. Another reason we fail, has to do with mindset. This has to do with the story we are telling ourselves as well as the language we are using -negative vs. positive language. I address this even further for women in a previous post, right here.

As I’ve mentioned before, internal work is crucial for anyone who wants to actually see their goals comes true and achieve real transformation. That means reading books like these (click here to access my virtual bookshelf), to help you gain insight about self-sabotaging behaviors. In addition to this, getting therapy, health coach, etc, may also be needed on your journey.

What you can do now

Stop putting unnecessary pressure on yourself! Too many times, we add to our overwhelm and guilt. We do this by pilling on the pressure of “other people’s expectations”, etc. We spend so much mental and emotional energy focusing on what other people think of us, our own warped perceptions of ourselves, that we get discouraged and demotivated before we can even see results.

A reminder for women

As women, we’ve largely been conditioned to take on the burden of societal expectations, ideals and, norms of what constitutes the “ideal woman”, beauty, etc. So, when you first commit to throwing off that “yoke” of domestication, it becomes easier to focus your energy on what you want to do, for you. That means your fitness and health goals, as well as overall selfcare. Next, ask yourself what you want to achieve for the new year. Forget about what others might think of your goals and you; simply focus on what you need and want.

More on this

However, before you even get to this point, you need to ask yourself one very important question. Why do you want or need to do this? Is it for purely health reasons? Are you trying to reclaim your power (i.e. self-empowerment)? Or is it, all of the above. If it’s all of the above you need to get a plan and individualized support to help you get started. Typically, partnering with a health or wellness coach is the best way to ensure success. Hey, we’re already well into the first part of the new year. That being the case, I’d rather partner with an expert than go it alone. Why risk winding up with a repeat of the previous year?

Final thoughts

A wise person once said, “the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result”. If we’re honest with ourselves, we know this on some level. The problem lies in our capacity to break down all of this “stuff” that gets in the way of our realizing results. If this is a real struggle for you and you don’t want a repeat of last year, book a free 30 clarity call with me right here! Let’s stay connected here (susbscribe to the newletter) or join my community on IG.

Books worth reading

This Bridge Called My Back is one book that I just could not put down. Last summer I spent a large block of time, focusing on reading and personal development. To say it was a journey would be an understatement. Some of the power of this book has to do with the fact that it not only looks at women’s personal development and empowerment, but it’s also about the generational struggle that women of color grapple with on a daily basis. While my list consists of books like Brené Brown’s Rising Strong, to other powerful collection of stories such as those found in Unleashing Her Wild, This Bridge Called My Back, continues to draw me back into its pages.

Why this book resonates with me

This Bridge Called My Back,  speaks of ”everything” mainstream /traditional feminism does not. It is all-inclusive. It is raw, powerful and at the same time, nourishing. This book lays out the pivotal differences between mainstream/ traditional feminism, a space occupied by seemingly ”woke” white women who grudgingly share the stage and fruits of bloody activism with WOC (women of color).

For the personal growth babes out there

A book that fearlessly delves into the ugly foundations of this nation’s past, This Bridge Called My Back talks about a very different form of feminist philosophy and discourse. This ”feminism” (Womanism) is a very different beast. Through the various essays and stories retold by the collection of authors, it’s very clear that the ”feminism” embraced by black women, women of the diaspora, and the broader collective of WOC is inclusive of transgender women, ALL women, as well as the marginalized (this inclusivity of others that have been marginalized is a demonstrated characteristic of the “nurturing” aspect of womanism), at the intersection of racial, social, economic and environmental equality justice.

A little insight on black feminism

Womanism/ black feminism embraces and tries to lift all voices of women and the marginalized at the intersection of race, gender, and equality. In short, there’s no room for ”privileged” feminism also known as “white women ”wokeness” masquerading as feminist inclusivity and gender equity. After all, it’s that same “feminism” that appropriated the #MeToo Movement started by a black woman, and subsequently erased her and the voices she represented from the political stage and table of discourse. But, we’ll revisit that story at a later date.

My Final Thoughts: This Bridge Called My Back

I think this is arguably more relevant today or at the very least, as relevant now as it was when it was originally written and published more than 30 years ago. It speaks to the ugly truth about the founding of both this nation and society, that many in places of power are unwilling and or are afraid to shine a light on. If you truly want to be ”schooled” on what it means to be a ”wild woman”, a woman-who-runs-with-the-wolves, a bad-ass-bitch, etc, then THIS is one of the books that will take you there! For a complete ”edu-ma-cation” you’ll have to accompany this fiery book with Angela Y. Davis’ “Women, Race & Class” but that’s only if you can handle that level of truth!

Some take-aways

Having said that, I challenge every woman across the globe, to open her mind, reach across the empty and war-torn spaces to create change. Be that change WE truly want to see in this world. To make it a place where equality, social justice, and basic human dignity is non-negotiable and where ALL are both worthy and enough!

My other reviews

If you haven’t checked it out already, don’t forget to read my review on Unleashing Her Wild, another awesome read for women everywhere. Also, head over to my virtual bookshelf at amazon.com for more fiery female-focused reads right here!

I’ve also begun to slowly add to my list of favorite lifestyle must-haves, etc on amazon so definitely head over to amazon.com to see what I’m adding to my stash and feel free to offer your own suggestions and favorites to the mix. It’s time to get “whole” healthy and undomesticated!! 

About The Author

Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog. She helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her belief is that “the cookie-cutter method only works for cookies”. This means that she helps each woman in a way that is unique to each woman. By doing this, she’s better able to help them transform their lives from the inside out. Her ultimate goal is to help women become healthy and empowered through the transformative self-care journey!

One of the most striking features about “Unleashing Her Wild”  is the level of discomfort and raw truth you experience within these pages. Each story draws you into experience life-changing events for each of these women. I cried and I got angry.  In some instances, I was triggered by some aspects of this book. 

A book every woman needs to read!

We, women, know, and yet many of us remain silent. “Unleashing Her Wild” is both a challenge and manifesto for women everywhere, to embrace their true selves. It is a call to own our imperfections, and reclaim our feminine power. While it may not have all the answers, “Unleashing Her Wild” asks us to look inside and make the choice. Are we going to be brave? Are we going to be brave enough to not allow ourselves to be forced into conformity and caricatures of who we are as both women and humans?

Who we are as  women when we “Unleash” our inner wild woman

We are human but our power is in embracing our own feminine energies. In it, we recognize that while it is different than the masculine force, it is in no way inferior or lacking in its ability to effect change.  It’s feminine, it’s beautiful, and it’s divine!  Unleashing Her Wild is a great collection of stories told by women walking separate and unique paths who are sharing their collective ancestral wisdom and experiences with us all.

You can snag your copy from my virtual bookshelf right here!

A Closer Look at Unleashing Her Wild

I won’t give away the goodies here, but I will highlight just a few of those stories that resonated with me on a deeper level. In the first chapter entitled, “The Remembering” (by Donna Tack), I  was deeply moved.  Her story took me through an almost “shamanistic” journey in which I saw her move from the darkest places of her being to one of revelation, awakening, and empowerment. “Remembering” resonated with me because I found similarities between her story and my own. It is something I know to be true for a majority of the stories in this collection.

Next must-read

In “We Always Get A Choice” (by Michelle Arnold), her story was equally poignant and raw. I found myself near tears as I read the struggle in her journey; my heart growing tight with both pain and hope as I connected with her experiences. All of these women candidly share their vulnerabilities, sharp edges, and victories along the path to true awakening and empowerment-oh, those “choices” she had to make!

Another captivating chapter in Unleashing Her Wild is called “Color Outside The Line” (by Kiki Carr). In it, she shares her struggle to break free from and victory over socio-cultural perceptions (aka, other people’s expectations, etc), self-worth, and discovering what it means to truly be “wild”, authentic and grounded in her own power.

A powerful and evocative retelling of life experience as a pathway to growth

These are just a few of the life-changing stories within the pages of this book, but all have the power to change and transform each of our lives in a meaningful way. All in all, there are a total of ten chapters with each story weaving and connecting with one another under the umbrella of a single unifying theme. This divine feminine energy cocreates with us. With it we are tapping into our intuition, our experiences, and ultimately empowering us to rise into who we were always meant to be.

My Final Thoughts on “Unleashing Her Wild”

Each woman’s story calls us to be brave, to break the silence, and throw off the shackles of “other people’s expectations”. We also need to be our authentic selves without fear. Ultimately, what I gained here was a sense of sisterhood. I left with hope and a birds-eye-view of what happens when you embark on a journey of healing and empowerment.  Needless to say, there is power and freedom in self-discovery when added to a growth mindset!

I talk about these topics and more, in two of my articles at HuffPost’s Thrive Global online magazine right here and here! Also, share your thoughts on women’s self-care in the context of self-worth in an earlier post this year.

About the author

Tonye Tariah is a Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads. She helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits. She believes that “the cookie-cutter method only works for cookies”. Meaning, she helps each woman in a  way that is unique to her needs. By doing this, she’s better able to help them transform their lives from the inside out. It’s not about helping you lose weight quickly. Her process is about changing habits and helping women fall in love with themselves so they can be both healthy and fulfilled!

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Are you an undomesticated woman?

Do you know what the word domesticated means? I mean as it pertains to the human female? I didn’t think so! For the feminist amongst you, you’ve probably got a good idea; but for the rest-get ready to blow your mind!

Let’s start with the basics: 

In simple terms, domesticated is defined as “(of animals or plants) brought under human control in order to provide food, power, or company” (Cambridge online dictionary).

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Don’t get it twisted! This is not about male bashing or some weird version of extreme feminism! This is about reclaiming your power. It’s literally throwing off centuries of martyrdom on the altar of socio-cultural expectations and dominance.

Here’s what I mean:

The other day while I browsed the “pages” of the internet in search of some research material, I came across a disturbing publication. Maybe it was all in fun or simply an attempt at notoriety? Trying to go viral? Needless to say, that one fell flat (you can read the article here). There is nothing funny about using terms like “superior/supreme” in the context of describing a particular group and or culture.

Now, let’s back to my rant!

Men who cling to their ”privileged patriarchy” are far from extinct and continue to search out their victims even in the digital age. The same narrow-mindedness, stereotypes with underlying misogyny are alive and well. The upside of this is that women all over the world are beginning to wake up and are no longer allowing their voices to be silenced. 

Empowerment and protest movements such as #MeToo, Self-love, and Self-care are helping women to reclaim their power as well as breakdown the distorted and destructive perception of self, to which so many have been programmed and conditioned.

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So let’s talk:

Being or becoming an undomesticated woman has nothing to do with, cooking, cleaning or running a household. To be clear, this is something every individual should do regardless of gender role or sex. Furthermore, there is nothing in the biology of the feminine form that suggests being female means that the “household” is your domain.

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So what’s the difference between a “domesticated” and an “undomesticated” woman? 

Before we get to that, let me share an insightful little nugget from Louise Hay in which she states:

“All women, including you and me, have been shamed and blamed since childhood. We have been programmed by our parents and by society to think and behave in a certain way- to be women, with all the rules, regulations, and frustrations that come with being a woman. Some are content to play that role but most of us are not” (Empowering Women).

I think that say’s it all in a nutshell. but, for those who need me to spell it out, here goes: she is-

1. An undomesticated woman is self-assured.
2. An undomesticated is self-confident.
3. loves herself.
4. competes only with the best version of herself.
5. gives from a place of abundance (love, prosperity, wisdom, knowledge, service, etc).
6. has well-defined boundaries and enforces them.
7. is not perfect and embraces her imperfections.
8. She is unique-there is no one like her (i.e. she is an original).
9. forgives herself.
10. She forgives others.
11. has no guilt when she gives space to her self-care.
12. Is messy-(real and unrestrained).
13. does not seek validation outside of herself.

There’s more to this list but I’ve saved the rest for my latest podcast episode!

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Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.

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Okay, let me start by saying, I  love men! well, most of them. The sane ones; not the cheating-lying-controlling ones!

Now that that is out of the way we can all move on ladies. When I look back at the younger me in my 20’s and 30’s, I really want to smack her! I love her but, gosh was she naive. It would have been great to have a single woman’s guide to navigating this particular journey!

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As I sit here musing on the past and contemplating my upcoming birthday (every year comes a lot quicker), I find it difficult to accept the fact that as a single woman, I wasted a lot of time land energy looking for validation and my own self-worth in the eyes of a man-another fallible human being.

Unfortunately, I feel that we have been “bred” or “conditioned” to looking for validation outside of ourselves. From the time we’re young girls, we are taught to “seek” approval and to be viewed as “good” girls, “giving” and yes, “womanly”. But all that really did (at least in my case) was solidify the notion that I was not enough and that I needed outside validation in order to feel “worthy”. As a single woman in 2018, I can’t help but cringe at those memories!

Over time I grew to resent the role and position that I had been forced to live in by both my culture (as an African woman) and society as a whole. There is nothing uplifting or growth-inducing by being made to feel that you have no worth if you haven’t birthed a child or are someone’s wife! Traditionally women are made to feel all levels of stress (pressure) and angst to get married, birth children and become the perfect daughter-in-law!

What hypocrisy and bondage! It took me a long time to break that conditioning and along the way, I made a lot of mistakes with the opposite sex (I’ll talk more about that later) but better late than never right? Suffice it to say, personal development goes a long way towards freeing yourself from toxic relationships, etc.

This series is dedicated to all the women who traveled the same road and earned her own battle scars and is finally learning what it means to be free! I figured I’d do my civic duty by sharing some simple truths and perspectives in my version of the single woman’s guide to a drama free life. Here are a few things I wish I had learned when I was younger:

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Here are a few helpful tips and pieces of advice I wish I had had as a single woman, all those years ago:

1. If a man you’ve just met tells you to smile, tell him to stay in his own lane and piss off! (I’ve always detested when people, usually men try to take ownership of my emotions). Own your emotions and every other part of you. You are under no obligation to “perform” on demand!

2. Don’t give your number to guys you meet in the parking lot of the post office, grocery store or the club. Chances are, he’s a “collector”, cheater or player (I’ll explain later). Take my advice, it’s not worth the drama. Plus, if he turns out to be stalker-ish you won’t have to change your number.

3. If he only wants to meet at your place doesn’t want you to meet any of his friends, family, etc he’s probably married.Kick his ass to the curb; again, you don’t need the drama and it’s a waste of your time anyway.

4. If it feels like he has to “fit” you into his schedule or his life, chances are you are not a priority for him-it’s time to cut that cord! Most honest men will tell you (i.e. your male friends) if you’re really important to him and valued, he won’t have to “fit” you into anything. A wise assessment from a veteran single woman once shared this nugget with me!

5. Never, ever have intercourse with a man who has not been tested for STD’s (and yes, I mean actual proof!); you’re literally TSTL (too stupid to live) if you give him a pass. Remember my mantra: self-care is healthcare, ladies!

6. If after you’ve been dating for a bit, and he starts making “suggestions” about what you should wear or “improve” your appearance, it’s time to give him the ax. Depending on the context, (I’m being generous here) this usually marks the subtle beginnings of control and or manipulation. Make him aware of it, shut it down, or better yet cut those ties.

These are just a few sage words for the single woman’s guide to drama-free living. I’ve got a growing list for the rest of the series. What are your tips for single women in the current social climate?

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Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.

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Over last few weeks have been a roller-coaster of emotions. I have experienced creative highs as well as some dark days filled with sorrow. Nevertheless, I must express my heart today. I am beyond thankful and humbled by all the outpouring of support and engagement that has been directed towards me and my blog space. How do you define a moment when you achieve a major milestone in your life or a pivotal moment along the course of your journey?

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I feel vindicated and freed by my commitment to be authentic and real with everyone who visits and engages with me in this space. While it hasn’t been all sweetness and roses (but really, when is that ever the case in life?), I say thank you.  Sometimes we fail to see the impact we have on the lives around us, but it is real and makes a difference. My dream and passion have always been to impact as many lives as possible in this world. A life of purpose and passion will always cultivate growth and so I say, please accept my thanks and gratitude for blessing this space with your diversity of thought and discourse.

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The growth of this site is a testament to the authenticity and diversity of thought and discourse! Through thoughtful and humane engagement with my fellow global citizens, I continue to press forward to creating and maintaining a space where growth, mindfulness, and life lived to the fullest is encouraged. May your journey be one of growth, power, and fulfillment as you allow yourself to get comfortable with being uncomfortable!

Blessings,

T.I.B.👣

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Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.

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Women behaving badly (“female toxicity”)

Today I decided to express my thoughts on a troubling and destructive behavior I’ve come across in recent weeks. While I know that a number of women often fall victim to the comparison monster and their images of self,  I’ve never grown accustomed to those who choose to victimize other women (aka female toxicity). They do this instead of seeking the necessary healing and personal development they need in order to break free from these destructive practices!

What do I mean?

Well, I’m referring to a toxic interaction I had with another female author on the issue of “fat-shaming” and it’s effects on women who have been victimized by it. In our discussion, this individual chooses to engage in a form of cyberbullying rather than express her opinions and move on (i.e. agree to disagree). It is never a good or honorable thing to project one’s issues, pain, insecurities, or perceived shortcomings, onto another individual regardless of your stance on a particular topic!

A little bit of what women and girls face daily

Women face a constant barrage of “noise” and obstacles. We often face gender inequality, skewed images of beauty, and misogyny from both society and media.  I refuse to be silent in the face of such toxicity without both challenging and speaking to the issue of bullying in larger terms. We live in an age where hate is being normalized and misogyny is being masqueraded as “plain speaking” or “politically incorrect”.  Even body-shaming (fat-shaming and body shaming in general terms), is being viewed as appropriate, justified, humorous, and everyday speech!

I’m never okay with a bully!

I can recall an old African proverb that states “Ashes fly back into the face of him (or in this case, her) who throws them.” It is my hope that all the “adults” in this digital space, have made the same calculation and are evolved enough to state their cases. Just, move on without trying to demean or bully (i.e. engage in female toxicity) others in the process.

It is true that in some instances, the abused often becomes the abuser for a variety of reasons (unresolved pain points, lack of treatment, etc). I’ll leave it there because I feel this is best left to the experts out there.

We have all been wounded at some point in our lives, but the real victory, healing, and wholeness (i.e. growth) come from facing and or addressing our issues. Rather than projecting with the aim of deriving relief through the victimization of others, get some healing!  Experience and observation have shown me that this is neither healthy nor sustainable. Ultimately, it is self-destructive and creates an inauthentic and damaged version of self.

Crabs in a barrel mentality

For women, that “need” to compare ourselves to other women with the desperate hope of becoming “her” or tearing “her” down will never fill that “hole”. Female toxicity is often left by wounds that have been left to fester through either neglect, ignorance, choice, or some combination of all three. Add to that the dimension of socio-cultural pressures, and it becomes a toxic yoke that calls for a level of internal work that is difficult to achieve without professional help.

The “Suck”

That also depends on the amount of “deep work” needed and a willingness to embrace the “suck”. While I’m intimately acquainted with being both victim and perpetrator of this, I made the personal commitment and decision to get off of that crazy train embrace my authentic self. Yes, I had to embrace my flaws and free myself in the process.

The media and culture’s contribution to this toxicity

Every day, I see a stream of images and myths from both the media and society. Then, I make the decision to own who I am and not allow anyone else to dictate my truth. We all have to make that decision, the question is, are you willing to grow? To regress into bitterness, pain, and destruction?  Or do you chose to live a life of freedom and authenticity? For me, that’s an easy decision!

Final thoughts 

Female toxicity is a problem we’ve been dealing with for a while. I also, know that we are all at different stages in our personal growth and life journeys. The fact is, we have choices and while they might not all be the ones we would like or find comfortable, we still have to choose! I hope you pick ones that honor the dignity of all humans and foster growth instead of chaos and narrow mindedness. Be careful of what you allow to grow in your “garden”.

Before you go!

A good start towards breaking that cycle is through radical self-care. You can read more right here in“14 Ways To Love Yourself 365 Days A Year”!

Also, detox your kitchen pantry” and grab my FREE Pantry Detox Gude GUIDE HERE!

Want to eat more healthily? Get my Introductory Produce, Shopping Guide grab a copy HERE!!

About the author

Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog. She helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her belief is that “the cookie-cutter method only works for cookies”. This means that she helps each woman in a way that is unique to each. By doing this, she’s better able to help them transform their lives from the inside out. Her ultimate goal is to help women become healthy and empowered through the transformative self-care journey!

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I never thought I’d suffer a loss like this a second time in my own family. We always think that we have more time; that there’ll be another tomorrow to say I love you to those who mean the most to your heart. I’m so angry and filled with hurt at the fact that yet again, I find myself in this position! What makes it worse is the fact that it was so unexpected and brutal in its finality. No “goodbye”, “I love you”, or even that simple hug that I often took for granted.

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While I know I’m not the only one who has suffered multiple losses, I feel like no one “gets” what I’m feeling right now. All those little reminders around the house; the trinkets, the things left undone, they’re all just there!! Yeah, this is all part of the healing process but this time around it’s so much more difficult to accept and deal with.  This is part of my therapy; to try and make sense of something that is extremely difficult to accept and explain; especially to the younger ones who have been left behind.

Today this is my reality. Even in my capacity as a health strategist, I can appreciate the irony of it all; no warning, simply a multitasking woman on the go and then, BAAM! Just gone! For anyone else who has experienced such a loss, I know your pain. For the rest? Even when you do everything right in terms of your fitness and health, bad things can still happen. My therapy is making sure no more women die because they took on too much and received too little for themselves!

If I succeed in nothing else it’s this, there IS NEVER a good enough excuse to put your health and fitness at the bottom of your list of priorities because you’re simply multiplying the risk of something catastrophic happening to your own health. That’s one lesson I can share with you in the midst of my struggle as one who is left with the aftermath.

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Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.

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