Category Personal Development

Books worth reading

This Bridge Called My Back is one book that I just could not put down. Last summer I spent a large block of time, focusing on reading and personal development. To say it was a journey would be an understatement. Some of the power of this book has to do with the fact that it not only looks at women’s personal development and empowerment, but it’s also about the generational struggle that women of color grapple with on a daily basis. While my list consists of books like Brené Brown’s Rising Strong, to other powerful collection of stories such as those found in Unleashing Her Wild, This Bridge Called My Back, continues to draw me back into its pages.

Why this book resonates with me

This Bridge Called My Back,  speaks of ”everything” mainstream /traditional feminism does not. It is all-inclusive. It is raw, powerful and at the same time, nourishing. This book lays out the pivotal differences between mainstream/ traditional feminism, a space occupied by seemingly ”woke” white women who grudgingly share the stage and fruits of bloody activism with WOC (women of color).

For the personal growth babes out there

A book that fearlessly delves into the ugly foundations of this nation’s past, This Bridge Called My Back talks about a very different form of feminist philosophy and discourse. This ”feminism” (Womanism) is a very different beast. Through the various essays and stories retold by the collection of authors, it’s very clear that the ”feminism” embraced by black women, women of the diaspora, and the broader collective of WOC is inclusive of transgender women, ALL women, as well as the marginalized (this inclusivity of others that have been marginalized is a demonstrated characteristic of the “nurturing” aspect of womanism), at the intersection of racial, social, economic and environmental equality justice.

A little insight on black feminism

Womanism/ black feminism embraces and tries to lift all voices of women and the marginalized at the intersection of race, gender, and equality. In short, there’s no room for ”privileged” feminism also known as “white women ”wokeness” masquerading as feminist inclusivity and gender equity. After all, it’s that same “feminism” that appropriated the #MeToo Movement started by a black woman, and subsequently erased her and the voices she represented from the political stage and table of discourse. But, we’ll revisit that story at a later date.

My Final Thoughts: This Bridge Called My Back

I think this is arguably more relevant today or at the very least, as relevant now as it was when it was originally written and published more than 30 years ago. It speaks to the ugly truth about the founding of both this nation and society, that many in places of power are unwilling and or are afraid to shine a light on. If you truly want to be ”schooled” on what it means to be a ”wild woman”, a woman-who-runs-with-the-wolves, a bad-ass-bitch, etc, then THIS is one of the books that will take you there! For a complete ”edu-ma-cation” you’ll have to accompany this fiery book with Angela Y. Davis’ “Women, Race & Class” but that’s only if you can handle that level of truth!

Some take-aways

Having said that, I challenge every woman across the globe, to open her mind, reach across the empty and war-torn spaces to create change. Be that change WE truly want to see in this world. To make it a place where equality, social justice, and basic human dignity is non-negotiable and where ALL are both worthy and enough!

My other reviews

If you haven’t checked it out already, don’t forget to read my review on Unleashing Her Wild, another awesome read for women everywhere. Also, head over to my virtual bookshelf at amazon.com for more fiery female-focused reads right here!

I’ve also begun to slowly add to my list of favorite lifestyle must-haves, etc on amazon so definitely head over to amazon.com to see what I’m adding to my stash and feel free to offer your own suggestions and favorites to the mix. It’s time to get “whole” healthy and undomesticated!! 

About The Author

Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog. She helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her belief is that “the cookie-cutter method only works for cookies”. This means that she helps each woman in a way that is unique to each woman. By doing this, she’s better able to help them transform their lives from the inside out. Her ultimate goal is to help women become healthy and empowered through the transformative self-care journey!

One of the most striking features about “Unleashing Her Wild”  is the level of discomfort and raw truth you experience within these pages. Each story draws you into experience life-changing events for each of these women. I cried and I got angry.  In some instances, I was triggered by some aspects of this book. 

A book every woman needs to read!

We, women, know, and yet many of us remain silent. “Unleashing Her Wild” is both a challenge and manifesto for women everywhere, to embrace their true selves. It is a call to own our imperfections, and reclaim our feminine power. While it may not have all the answers, “Unleashing Her Wild” asks us to look inside and make the choice. Are we going to be brave? Are we going to be brave enough to not allow ourselves to be forced into conformity and caricatures of who we are as both women and humans?

Who we are as  women when we “Unleash” our inner wild woman

We are human but our power is in embracing our own feminine energies. In it, we recognize that while it is different than the masculine force, it is in no way inferior or lacking in its ability to effect change.  It’s feminine, it’s beautiful, and it’s divine!  Unleashing Her Wild is a great collection of stories told by women walking separate and unique paths who are sharing their collective ancestral wisdom and experiences with us all.

You can snag your copy from my virtual bookshelf right here!

A Closer Look at Unleashing Her Wild

I won’t give away the goodies here, but I will highlight just a few of those stories that resonated with me on a deeper level. In the first chapter entitled, “The Remembering” (by Donna Tack), I  was deeply moved.  Her story took me through an almost “shamanistic” journey in which I saw her move from the darkest places of her being to one of revelation, awakening, and empowerment. “Remembering” resonated with me because I found similarities between her story and my own. It is something I know to be true for a majority of the stories in this collection.

Next must-read

In “We Always Get A Choice” (by Michelle Arnold), her story was equally poignant and raw. I found myself near tears as I read the struggle in her journey; my heart growing tight with both pain and hope as I connected with her experiences. All of these women candidly share their vulnerabilities, sharp edges, and victories along the path to true awakening and empowerment-oh, those “choices” she had to make!

Another captivating chapter in Unleashing Her Wild is called “Color Outside The Line” (by Kiki Carr). In it, she shares her struggle to break free from and victory over socio-cultural perceptions (aka, other people’s expectations, etc), self-worth, and discovering what it means to truly be “wild”, authentic and grounded in her own power.

A powerful and evocative retelling of life experience as a pathway to growth

These are just a few of the life-changing stories within the pages of this book, but all have the power to change and transform each of our lives in a meaningful way. All in all, there are a total of ten chapters with each story weaving and connecting with one another under the umbrella of a single unifying theme. This divine feminine energy cocreates with us. With it we are tapping into our intuition, our experiences, and ultimately empowering us to rise into who we were always meant to be.

My Final Thoughts on “Unleashing Her Wild”

Each woman’s story calls us to be brave, to break the silence, and throw off the shackles of “other people’s expectations”. We also need to be our authentic selves without fear. Ultimately, what I gained here was a sense of sisterhood. I left with hope and a birds-eye-view of what happens when you embark on a journey of healing and empowerment.  Needless to say, there is power and freedom in self-discovery when added to a growth mindset!

I talk about these topics and more, in two of my articles at HuffPost’s Thrive Global online magazine right here and here! Also, share your thoughts on women’s self-care in the context of self-worth in an earlier post this year.

About the author

Tonye Tariah is a Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads. She helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits. She believes that “the cookie-cutter method only works for cookies”. Meaning, she helps each woman in a  way that is unique to her needs. By doing this, she’s better able to help them transform their lives from the inside out. It’s not about helping you lose weight quickly. Her process is about changing habits and helping women fall in love with themselves so they can be both healthy and fulfilled!

Why Selfcare is difficult for women

I know how difficult it is to find time to actually practice self-care. Like most women around the world, each day is usually a constant balancing act of taking care of other people, their expectations, and a whole slew of obligations! Regardless of what corner of the world we live in, selfcare is difficult for women to varying degrees.

The daily reality for the average woman

There are few women in the real world, who can say they are always able to make time for their self-care needs and without the guilt and burden of constantly trying to live up to the expectations of others (including society). For every woman that has struggled to break free from that cycle of guilt around making time for their own self-care and their needs in general, it really is “all in your head!”.  Yes, selfcare is difficult for women-especially if you’re trying to first meet the needs and expectations of other people, etc.

What selfcare is not

Let’s be clear, doing for both family and community is something we should all aspire to but that is not to say that one should neglect one’s own wellbeing. Historically, women have had to choose between their own self-care and the needs of others. That’s in addition to the demands made by society and culture.

A bit of history about the self-care movement 

The self-care movement was birthed during the anti-war and civil rights movements. It has it’s origins in the medical sphere as both physicians and academicians were looking at strategies to mitigate the effects of high-stress work environments on healthcare workers. Later on, it transformed into a broader movement as it became politicized during the civil rights and women’s movement of the ’60s and early ’70s.

With that in mind here are a few quick tips to help you begin to break the cycle

1. Start saying “NO”! I know it sounds easy, but I also know how difficult it is to do this when you have been conditioned and silenced by society for so long. Like most women, I put my needs, desires, and health far below that of family and other obligations. I also watched women in my family and lineage suffer the same fate. Experience has shown me that the only way to break the cycle is to start with the word “NO”.  Believe it or not, this one word contains a lot of power and has the effect of shaking up the status quo and activates a place in your core that has long been silent and ineffectual.

2. Know what it means to have boundaries and create them (if you don’t know).  It starts with self-discovery and identifying what is in alignment with your inner self versus what is in violation of those core beliefs and or elements.

3. Stop asking for permission to self-care. Again, sounds pretty straight forward but it will surprise you to find out how much resistance you encounter when you begin to assert yourself and enforce your boundaries!

4. Take ownership of your entire self (i.e. self-acceptance) including the good, the bad and the ugly. After all, if you don’t accept yourself, you can not expect anyone else to do so either.

What you can expect on this journey:

As I mentioned earlier, be prepared for some push-back when you begin to use your voice and as you put your boundaries in place. That being said, the freedom and level of transformation are more than worth it!

What you will gain this journey:

One of the most meaningful gains from this process is empowerment. Freedom from self-sabotage and servitude to other people’s expectations is no small accomplishment. Especially when it means regaining your power and ability to speak your truth without the fear of being judged or shamed into silence. Click this link to find out more about how to break the cycle of O.P.E!

Before you go

At the end of the day, if you don’t value your health and wellbeing, no one else will. That’s the harsh truth of the matter. If you’re struggling to come up with good selfcare ideas in the midst of this global “lockdown, read  “14 Ways To Love Yourself 365 Days A Year”14 Ways To Love Yourself This Valentine’s Day

About the author

Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog. She helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her belief is that “the cookie-cutter method only works for cookies”. This means that she helps each woman in a way that is unique to each woman. By doing this, she’s better able to help them transform their lives from the inside out. Her ultimate goal is to help women become healthy and empowered through the transformative self-care journey!

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Are you an undomesticated woman?

Do you know what the word domesticated means? I mean as it pertains to the human female? I didn’t think so! For the feminist amongst you, you’ve probably got a good idea; but for the rest-get ready to blow your mind!

Let’s start with the basics: 

In simple terms, domesticated is defined as “(of animals or plants) brought under human control in order to provide food, power, or company” (Cambridge online dictionary).

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Don’t get it twisted! This is not about male bashing or some weird version of extreme feminism! This is about reclaiming your power. It’s literally throwing off centuries of martyrdom on the altar of socio-cultural expectations and dominance.

Here’s what I mean:

The other day while I browsed the “pages” of the internet in search of some research material, I came across a disturbing publication. Maybe it was all in fun or simply an attempt at notoriety? Trying to go viral? Needless to say, that one fell flat (you can read the article here). There is nothing funny about using terms like “superior/supreme” in the context of describing a particular group and or culture.

Now, let’s back to my rant!

Men who cling to their ”privileged patriarchy” are far from extinct and continue to search out their victims even in the digital age. The same narrow-mindedness, stereotypes with underlying misogyny are alive and well. The upside of this is that women all over the world are beginning to wake up and are no longer allowing their voices to be silenced. 

Empowerment and protest movements such as #MeToo, Self-love, and Self-care are helping women to reclaim their power as well as breakdown the distorted and destructive perception of self, to which so many have been programmed and conditioned.

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So let’s talk:

Being or becoming an undomesticated woman has nothing to do with, cooking, cleaning or running a household. To be clear, this is something every individual should do regardless of gender role or sex. Furthermore, there is nothing in the biology of the feminine form that suggests being female means that the “household” is your domain.

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So what’s the difference between a “domesticated” and an “undomesticated” woman? 

Before we get to that, let me share an insightful little nugget from Louise Hay in which she states:

“All women, including you and me, have been shamed and blamed since childhood. We have been programmed by our parents and by society to think and behave in a certain way- to be women, with all the rules, regulations, and frustrations that come with being a woman. Some are content to play that role but most of us are not” (Empowering Women).

I think that say’s it all in a nutshell. but, for those who need me to spell it out, here goes: she is-

1. An undomesticated woman is self-assured.
2. An undomesticated is self-confident.
3. loves herself.
4. competes only with the best version of herself.
5. gives from a place of abundance (love, prosperity, wisdom, knowledge, service, etc).
6. has well-defined boundaries and enforces them.
7. is not perfect and embraces her imperfections.
8. She is unique-there is no one like her (i.e. she is an original).
9. forgives herself.
10. She forgives others.
11. has no guilt when she gives space to her self-care.
12. Is messy-(real and unrestrained).
13. does not seek validation outside of herself.

There’s more to this list but I’ve saved the rest for my latest podcast episode!

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Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.

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Okay, let me start by saying, I  love men! well, most of them. The sane ones; not the cheating-lying-controlling ones!

Now that that is out of the way we can all move on ladies. When I look back at the younger me in my 20’s and 30’s, I really want to smack her! I love her but, gosh was she naive. It would have been great to have a single woman’s guide to navigating this particular journey!

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As I sit here musing on the past and contemplating my upcoming birthday (every year comes a lot quicker), I find it difficult to accept the fact that as a single woman, I wasted a lot of time land energy looking for validation and my own self-worth in the eyes of a man-another fallible human being.

Unfortunately, I feel that we have been “bred” or “conditioned” to looking for validation outside of ourselves. From the time we’re young girls, we are taught to “seek” approval and to be viewed as “good” girls, “giving” and yes, “womanly”. But all that really did (at least in my case) was solidify the notion that I was not enough and that I needed outside validation in order to feel “worthy”. As a single woman in 2018, I can’t help but cringe at those memories!

Over time I grew to resent the role and position that I had been forced to live in by both my culture (as an African woman) and society as a whole. There is nothing uplifting or growth-inducing by being made to feel that you have no worth if you haven’t birthed a child or are someone’s wife! Traditionally women are made to feel all levels of stress (pressure) and angst to get married, birth children and become the perfect daughter-in-law!

What hypocrisy and bondage! It took me a long time to break that conditioning and along the way, I made a lot of mistakes with the opposite sex (I’ll talk more about that later) but better late than never right? Suffice it to say, personal development goes a long way towards freeing yourself from toxic relationships, etc.

This series is dedicated to all the women who traveled the same road and earned her own battle scars and is finally learning what it means to be free! I figured I’d do my civic duty by sharing some simple truths and perspectives in my version of the single woman’s guide to a drama free life. Here are a few things I wish I had learned when I was younger:

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Here are a few helpful tips and pieces of advice I wish I had had as a single woman, all those years ago:

1. If a man you’ve just met tells you to smile, tell him to stay in his own lane and piss off! (I’ve always detested when people, usually men try to take ownership of my emotions). Own your emotions and every other part of you. You are under no obligation to “perform” on demand!

2. Don’t give your number to guys you meet in the parking lot of the post office, grocery store or the club. Chances are, he’s a “collector”, cheater or player (I’ll explain later). Take my advice, it’s not worth the drama. Plus, if he turns out to be stalker-ish you won’t have to change your number.

3. If he only wants to meet at your place doesn’t want you to meet any of his friends, family, etc he’s probably married.Kick his ass to the curb; again, you don’t need the drama and it’s a waste of your time anyway.

4. If it feels like he has to “fit” you into his schedule or his life, chances are you are not a priority for him-it’s time to cut that cord! Most honest men will tell you (i.e. your male friends) if you’re really important to him and valued, he won’t have to “fit” you into anything. A wise assessment from a veteran single woman once shared this nugget with me!

5. Never, ever have intercourse with a man who has not been tested for STD’s (and yes, I mean actual proof!); you’re literally TSTL (too stupid to live) if you give him a pass. Remember my mantra: self-care is healthcare, ladies!

6. If after you’ve been dating for a bit, and he starts making “suggestions” about what you should wear or “improve” your appearance, it’s time to give him the ax. Depending on the context, (I’m being generous here) this usually marks the subtle beginnings of control and or manipulation. Make him aware of it, shut it down, or better yet cut those ties.

These are just a few sage words for the single woman’s guide to drama-free living. I’ve got a growing list for the rest of the series. What are your tips for single women in the current social climate?

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Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.

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If you’ve ever felt like life seems to be passing you by, you’re still figuring out who you are, haven’t hit your “sweet spot” yet or fully come into your own, guess what? You are not alone! You might just be, a “late bloomer”!

We all travel different paths in this life and while there may be some points of intersection along the way, we are unique and our paths tend to reflect that truth.

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So you’re wondering if you too are a late bloomer? You’ve come to right place to help you figure that out!There is nothing overly dramatic or mysterious about being a late bloomer. As a child, I often wondered why I seemed to be out of step with my peers and or felt like my path led in a different direction. No, I didn’t have some monumental epiphany; I slowly grew into an awareness of myself, the unique space I held and finally, acceptance that I was a late bloomer!

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With that in mind here are a few quick clues:

1. You feel out of sync with your peers! Have you ever felt like you were on the outside looking in? Slightly out of phase with those around you or your “peer group”? If your answer is yes to any of this, chances are that you’re a late bloomer. I’ve often found that any or all of these “feelings” or sense is the recognition that I’ve yet to fully come into my own maturation at a particular point in time.

2. Your body hasn’t caught up with your mind! In other words, I’m speaking to another aspect of being out of sync with the rest of the world. This includes everything from the physical (i.e. you don’t look your age) to other areas of your life such as marital state, professional positioning, etc.

3. You’re “just” beginning to hit your peak in your life! Unlike your peers or the rest of the world, you intuit the fact that there’s “more” awaiting you; that something transformative is about to take place in your life that will cause a significant shift from the inside out.

Like most things in life, there are no quick and dirty rules for growth or advancements on this journey. One thing we can be sure of is that each of us must strive to avoid comparing ourselves to other people and focus on our unique individual gifts, talents, and paths. Also, being a late bloomer does not translate into resting on our laurels or procrastinating and waiting for life to just happen to us, rather we must choose to live and take action!

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Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.

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Over last few weeks have been a roller-coaster of emotions. I have experienced creative highs as well as some dark days filled with sorrow. Nevertheless, I must express my heart today. I am beyond thankful and humbled by all the outpouring of support and engagement that has been directed towards me and my blog space. How do you define a moment when you achieve a major milestone in your life or a pivotal moment along the course of your journey?

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I feel vindicated and freed by my commitment to be authentic and real with everyone who visits and engages with me in this space. While it hasn’t been all sweetness and roses (but really, when is that ever the case in life?), I say thank you.  Sometimes we fail to see the impact we have on the lives around us, but it is real and makes a difference. My dream and passion have always been to impact as many lives as possible in this world. A life of purpose and passion will always cultivate growth and so I say, please accept my thanks and gratitude for blessing this space with your diversity of thought and discourse.

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The growth of this site is a testament to the authenticity and diversity of thought and discourse! Through thoughtful and humane engagement with my fellow global citizens, I continue to press forward to creating and maintaining a space where growth, mindfulness, and life lived to the fullest is encouraged. May your journey be one of growth, power, and fulfillment as you allow yourself to get comfortable with being uncomfortable!

Blessings,

T.I.B.👣

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Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.

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Women behaving badly (“female toxicity”)

Today I decided to express my thoughts on a troubling and destructive behavior I’ve come across in recent weeks. While I know that a number of women often fall victim to the comparison monster and their images of self,  I’ve never grown accustomed to those who choose to victimize other women (aka female toxicity). They do this instead of seeking the necessary healing and personal development they need in order to break free from these destructive practices!

What do I mean?

Well, I’m referring to a toxic interaction I had with another female author on the issue of “fat-shaming” and it’s effects on women who have been victimized by it. In our discussion, this individual chooses to engage in a form of cyberbullying rather than express her opinions and move on (i.e. agree to disagree). It is never a good or honorable thing to project one’s issues, pain, insecurities, or perceived shortcomings, onto another individual regardless of your stance on a particular topic!

A little bit of what women and girls face daily

Women face a constant barrage of “noise” and obstacles. We often face gender inequality, skewed images of beauty, and misogyny from both society and media.  I refuse to be silent in the face of such toxicity without both challenging and speaking to the issue of bullying in larger terms. We live in an age where hate is being normalized and misogyny is being masqueraded as “plain speaking” or “politically incorrect”.  Even body-shaming (fat-shaming and body shaming in general terms), is being viewed as appropriate, justified, humorous, and everyday speech!

I’m never okay with a bully!

I can recall an old African proverb that states “Ashes fly back into the face of him (or in this case, her) who throws them.” It is my hope that all the “adults” in this digital space, have made the same calculation and are evolved enough to state their cases. Just, move on without trying to demean or bully (i.e. engage in female toxicity) others in the process.

It is true that in some instances, the abused often becomes the abuser for a variety of reasons (unresolved pain points, lack of treatment, etc). I’ll leave it there because I feel this is best left to the experts out there.

We have all been wounded at some point in our lives, but the real victory, healing, and wholeness (i.e. growth) come from facing and or addressing our issues. Rather than projecting with the aim of deriving relief through the victimization of others, get some healing!  Experience and observation have shown me that this is neither healthy nor sustainable. Ultimately, it is self-destructive and creates an inauthentic and damaged version of self.

Crabs in a barrel mentality

For women, that “need” to compare ourselves to other women with the desperate hope of becoming “her” or tearing “her” down will never fill that “hole”. Female toxicity is often left by wounds that have been left to fester through either neglect, ignorance, choice, or some combination of all three. Add to that the dimension of socio-cultural pressures, and it becomes a toxic yoke that calls for a level of internal work that is difficult to achieve without professional help.

The “Suck”

That also depends on the amount of “deep work” needed and a willingness to embrace the “suck”. While I’m intimately acquainted with being both victim and perpetrator of this, I made the personal commitment and decision to get off of that crazy train embrace my authentic self. Yes, I had to embrace my flaws and free myself in the process.

The media and culture’s contribution to this toxicity

Every day, I see a stream of images and myths from both the media and society. Then, I make the decision to own who I am and not allow anyone else to dictate my truth. We all have to make that decision, the question is, are you willing to grow? To regress into bitterness, pain, and destruction?  Or do you chose to live a life of freedom and authenticity? For me, that’s an easy decision!

Final thoughts 

Female toxicity is a problem we’ve been dealing with for a while. I also, know that we are all at different stages in our personal growth and life journeys. The fact is, we have choices and while they might not all be the ones we would like or find comfortable, we still have to choose! I hope you pick ones that honor the dignity of all humans and foster growth instead of chaos and narrow mindedness. Be careful of what you allow to grow in your “garden”.

Before you go!

A good start towards breaking that cycle is through radical self-care. You can read more right here in“14 Ways To Love Yourself 365 Days A Year”!

Also, detox your kitchen pantry” and grab my FREE Pantry Detox Gude GUIDE HERE!

Want to eat more healthily? Get my Introductory Produce, Shopping Guide grab a copy HERE!!

About the author

Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog. She helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her belief is that “the cookie-cutter method only works for cookies”. This means that she helps each woman in a way that is unique to each. By doing this, she’s better able to help them transform their lives from the inside out. Her ultimate goal is to help women become healthy and empowered through the transformative self-care journey!

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I never thought I’d suffer a loss like this a second time in my own family. We always think that we have more time; that there’ll be another tomorrow to say I love you to those who mean the most to your heart. I’m so angry and filled with hurt at the fact that yet again, I find myself in this position! What makes it worse is the fact that it was so unexpected and brutal in its finality. No “goodbye”, “I love you”, or even that simple hug that I often took for granted.

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While I know I’m not the only one who has suffered multiple losses, I feel like no one “gets” what I’m feeling right now. All those little reminders around the house; the trinkets, the things left undone, they’re all just there!! Yeah, this is all part of the healing process but this time around it’s so much more difficult to accept and deal with.  This is part of my therapy; to try and make sense of something that is extremely difficult to accept and explain; especially to the younger ones who have been left behind.

Today this is my reality. Even in my capacity as a health strategist, I can appreciate the irony of it all; no warning, simply a multitasking woman on the go and then, BAAM! Just gone! For anyone else who has experienced such a loss, I know your pain. For the rest? Even when you do everything right in terms of your fitness and health, bad things can still happen. My therapy is making sure no more women die because they took on too much and received too little for themselves!

If I succeed in nothing else it’s this, there IS NEVER a good enough excuse to put your health and fitness at the bottom of your list of priorities because you’re simply multiplying the risk of something catastrophic happening to your own health. That’s one lesson I can share with you in the midst of my struggle as one who is left with the aftermath.

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Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.

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Setting boundaries is something that is huge for me, moving into a new month! Lately, I find myself butting heads with the notion of setting boundaries versus barriers and knowing the difference between the two. Too often, we default to creating barriers to own success or growth out of fear or insecurity. We often deceive ourselves into thinking (and accepting) it was the former rather than the later.

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It’s never easy when you find you have to call yourself out on your own B.S., but there you go! Better to call it out at the onset than to find yourself stagnating in the quagmire of your own crap having missed on opportunities and life. So what’s the big deal? What does it even mean when we say, setting boundaries and not, barriers? First, let’s get the dictionary definition of “boundary” and “barrier” to get some clarity. According to the online edition of Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, “a boundary is something that shows where an area ends and another area begins; a point or limit that indicates where two things become different.”

Making the distinction between setting boundaries versus boundaries

On the other hand, a barrier is defined as “something that prevents or blocks movement from one place to another; a law, rule, problem, etc., that makes something difficult or impossible.” Some might ask, why the exercise in definitions that seem relatively self-explanatory? I say, there’s a lot to be learned here; namely, your mindset plays a huge role in how you relate to other people, things, and ultimately, your lifestyle. I say this because our mindset often determines whether or not we see an opportunity before us or an obstacle or barrier.

In the context of health and wellness, the notion of self-care is seen as either an opportunity for personal renewal and growth or an obstacle to one’s achieving the completion of a set of tasks, to-do lists, etc. In this setting, your health will ALWAYS be the loser when it’s stacked against that venerable to-do list which always seems to take priority over everything else in our lives. This list I might add, that we often hide behind out of fear, uncertainty, doubt or inadequacy (at least in our own minds). This is where the shift in mindset needs to come into play!

When you realize and accept that those “tasks, to-do’s”, etc, will always be there (yes people, that’s the cycle of life; nothing ever really stops until it ceases to exist so get used to it) you can release yourself from that false sense of control that you’ve allowed yourself to be imprisoned by. The truth is, your health and fitness are central to manifesting your vision for your life because without them (a.k.a mind-body-spirit in balance) there is little hope of seeing that through to fruition.

Balance as a central feature to setting boundaries

Balance is one of the central features of a fit and healthy lifestyle and that’s why I never stop stressing the centrality of this phenomena to my clients. If you want true and sustainable health (i.e. mind-body-spirit) bringing all aspects of yourself needs to be brought into alignment. If you’re already at the point of tapping out and saying “enough is enough and time to get off the hamster wheel going nowhere” then, welcome to the beginning of your journey to self-discovery, fitness, and health! Too many times we say we’re too “busy” to “indulge” in self-care but that’s merely a choice (yes, you always have a choice) to continue down a path that has no good end or resolution. Bottom line? Setting boundaries is crucial to your overall health and wellbeing.

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When you say you’re “busy” it actually means that you don’t have “time” to take care of yourself and the things that really matter (i.e. living a full and healthy life, etc). The truth is that you are merely existing and not living! When you are out of alignment on all levels (mind, body, spirit), that manifests as a breakdown in both your physical and mental health; illness and disease begin to impact the whole.

This is at the crux of what it means in setting boundaries vs. barriers. It means making space for self-care and nourishing your mind and body and separating those destructive elements or forces that will take you and your health out of alignment. Realizing that this is not “selfish” but a necessity and indicates a level of growth few are willing to work at achieving (but that’s another topic for discussion). As women, we are constantly pushed and pulled in several directions as we strive to live up to the  ideas of other people and society; the freedom and growth comes when we release ourselves from this when we get “comfortable with being uncomfortable” as we address those internal issues and wounds that we have allowed to fester.

Growth and healing are not always comfortable or easy; in fact, they often require a level of exposure and examination that make uncomfortable seem like a cake walk but it’s necessary if you want to achieve your authentic self. The other alternative? Continue to merely exist and remain a slave to your fears and perceptions of the outside world. What a choice huh? For more on this read “why it’s so hard for women to self-care” right here.

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Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.

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