For whomever needs to hear this
As I continue to celebrate women 365 days a year, I just want to remind men of one thing: women are not your therapists (or therapy). This is true of anyone in a relationship. Your partner is not your therapist and she/he/they is not responsible for you own personal “baggage”. Historically and generationally, women have been conditioned to accept the baggage of their partners in addition to the demands of society and culture.
Some of the backstory on this
Because women are viewed (in general) as the nurturing and weaker sex, women are often the default “therapists” for their partners and communities. This is regardless of the fact that we aren’t professionally trained or even paid for that “Labor”. But again, this is the nature of patriarchy and misogyny across the globe. This brings me to the whole “women as default therapists” thing. Not to put the blame all on one side, women have their own issues to deal with as well. My point is that, neither partner is allowed to turn the other into a personal therapist! The emotional demands are just too much and it is unhealthy.
Red flags
Also, we’ve all seen examples of this in social media and even in our communities. Asking women to be your therapists is a bridge too far to cross and also puts women in further danger. After all, with everything that’s happened during and since the pandemic, the rates or femicide is rising at an alarming rate. And to bring it back to the basics, that amount of emotional dumping is a relationship killer anyways! It leaves no space for real intimacy or caring. This is because one person is doing the “dumping” and the other is the emotional or trauma “dumpster”.
Another red flag is constant negativity and even clingy-ness. It feels like you’re constantly draining off poison from your partner’s wound. The reverse is also true; you can’t constantly dump on your partner and think that that relationship will last!
The reality
Look, while I’m no therapist I can definitely see a red flag coming a mile away. But it wasn’t always that way. There was a time that I suffered from both the disease to please and being an “emotional dumpster” for my partner. Needless to say, it was traumatic and added to my own baggage that I failed to work through prior to that relationship. So, when I say women are not your therapists, I’m not joking because I’ve got the “receipts”. For me, it always comes back to selfcare. Selfcare forces you to become both self aware and honest about where you are as a person. That means, facing all your issues and recognising that while no one is perfect, we do have to take ownership for both our trauma (i.e. issues, etc. ) and triumphs.
More on the selfcare and emotional baggage connection
Like i said earlier, we are all on a journey to healing and wholeness (hopefully) and no one’s perfect. That also means, we have to be honest with ourselves and our partners about where we are in our journey. Sometimes that may even mean you separate because those differences are to big to bridge. When we start taking on the role of therapist, we open ourselves to harm and potential destruction of our relationship. Also, you can create room for co-dependency which is another nightmare to divest from. Just, don’t do it and if you have to ask then you’re probably already there! Bottom line? Leave therapy to the experts and you’ll both be Much more happy and whole.
Emotional selfcare is a thing
Selfcare is not restricted to what you can see. Selfcare includes your mental, emotional, spiritual and, physical wellbeing. Also, when it comes to selfcare, know that there is no perfect way to do it and it’s also a continuous process of nourishing, healing and renewal. From time to time, you’ll have to make adjustments along the way and that’s okay. There is no judgment or guilt in any of this. Want to know more about why women struggle with selfcare? Click here to find out. Also, for more helpful selfcare tips and ideas you can read it right here!
