Tag: self-esteem

Black History Month: A selfcare message to Black Women

Black History Month: A selfcare message to Black Women

While Black History Month may have come to a close, the lived experiences of being Black in America, particularly as a Black woman, continues to be one of resilience, strategy and survival-surviving institutional racism and state sanctioned violence. Taking all that into account means, we’ve got to love and selfcare in such a way that we’re able to elevate beyond these realities. Radial selfcare and selflove, as oringinated and articulated by Audre Lourde, are what we are called upon to embody.

Safety And Security Are Part of Selfcare for Black Women

Safety And Security Are Part of Selfcare for Black Women

Safety and security first I’m always surprised at how many women don’t know safety and security go hand in hand with selfcare. Selfcare is an essential tool for Black women to navigate the unique challenges they face in the world. However, selfcare is often thought 

Women Are Not Your Therapists

Women Are Not Your Therapists

For whomever needs to hear this

As I continue to celebrate women 365 days a year, I just want to remind men of one thing: women are not your therapists (or therapy). This is true of anyone in a relationship. Your partner is not your therapist and she/he/they is not responsible for you own personal “baggage”. Historically and generationally, women have been conditioned to accept the baggage of their partners in addition to the demands of society and culture.

Some of the backstory on this

Because women are viewed (in general) as the nurturing  and weaker sex, women are often the default “therapists” for their partners and communities. This is regardless of the fact that we aren’t professionally trained or even paid for that “Labor”. But again, this is the nature of patriarchy and misogyny across the globe. This brings me to the whole “women as default therapists” thing. Not to put the blame all on one side, women have their own issues to deal with as well. My point is that, neither partner is allowed to turn the other into a personal therapist! The emotional demands are just too much and it is unhealthy.

Red flags

Also, we’ve all seen examples of this in social media and even in our communities. Asking women to be your therapists is a bridge too far to cross and also puts women in further danger. After all, with everything that’s happened during and since the pandemic, the rates or femicide is rising at an alarming rate. And to bring it back to the basics, that amount of emotional dumping is a relationship killer anyways! It leaves no space for real intimacy or caring. This is because one person is doing the “dumping” and the other is the emotional or trauma “dumpster”.

Another red flag is constant negativity and even clingy-ness. It feels like you’re constantly draining off poison from your partner’s wound. The reverse is also true; you can’t constantly dump on your partner and think that that relationship will last!

The reality

Look, while I’m no therapist  I can definitely see a red flag coming a mile away. But it wasn’t always that way. There was a time that I suffered from both the disease to please and being an “emotional dumpster” for my partner. Needless to say, it was traumatic and added to my own baggage that I failed to work through prior to that relationship. So, when I say women are not your therapists, I’m not joking because I’ve got the “receipts”. For me, it always comes back to selfcare. Selfcare forces you to become both self aware and honest about where you are as a person. That means, facing all your issues and recognising that while no one is perfect, we do have to take ownership for both our trauma (i.e. issues, etc. ) and triumphs.

More on the selfcare and emotional baggage connection

Like i said earlier, we are all on a journey to healing and wholeness (hopefully) and no one’s perfect. That also means, we have to be honest with ourselves and our partners about where we are in our journey. Sometimes that may even mean you separate because those differences are to big to bridge. When we start taking on the role of therapist, we open ourselves to harm and potential destruction of our relationship. Also, you can create room for co-dependency which is another nightmare to divest from. Just, don’t do it and if you have to ask then you’re probably already there! Bottom line? Leave therapy to the experts and you’ll both be   Much more happy and whole.

Women are not your therapists blog post pin image

Emotional selfcare is a thing

Selfcare is not restricted to what you can see. Selfcare includes your mental, emotional, spiritual and, physical wellbeing. Also, when it comes to selfcare, know that there is no perfect way to do it and it’s also a continuous process of nourishing, healing and renewal. From time to time, you’ll have to make adjustments along the way and that’s okay. There is no judgment or guilt in any of this. Want to know more about why women struggle with selfcare? Click here to find out.  Also, for more helpful selfcare tips and ideas you can read it right here!

People Pleasing And Why Women Do It

People Pleasing And Why Women Do It

People Pleasing It’s no big secret that many of us are either people pleasers or recovering people pleasers. What is new, is that women all over the world, are finally saying enough is enough! While some folks are probably saying, what’s the big deal? The 

Trying Too Hard To Fit Someone Else’s Image

Trying Too Hard To Fit Someone Else’s Image

[et_pb_section bb_built=”1″ admin_label=”section” _builder_version=”3.0.51″][et_pb_row admin_label=”Row” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” background_size=”initial”][et_pb_column type=”1_3″][et_pb_image admin_label=”Image” _builder_version=”3.0.51″ src=”http://freedomatthecrossroads.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/Trying-To-Fit-Into-someone-elses-image-mold-2.jpg” show_in_lightbox=”off” url_new_window=”off” use_overlay=”off” sticky=”off” align=”left” always_center_on_mobile=”on” border_style=”solid” force_fullwidth=”off” /][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”2_3″][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text” _builder_version=”3.0.51″ background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” border_style=”solid” text_font_size=”18″] I don’t know why we do this to ourselves; trying to be someone we’re not, live up 

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall: Self-esteem and Unhealthy Female Body Images in Media

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall: Self-esteem and Unhealthy Female Body Images in Media

Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook, etc. Wow, who can keep up with all the social media plans? I love having different media to explore, but the unrealness of some of it all boggles the mind! So what’s your story? I always wonder as I look around at the various shapes, sizes, and body types,  “what’s going through her head when she looks in the mirror?” ( I do this a lot when I’m people watching, by the way, *snicker*). Just by the facial expressions alone; some look happy, sad, and the others? Well, I’m not so sure of their place in this colorful complex world but hey, we all have to find “ourselves” and come into our own at some point.

I can’t say I get it as to why we women, seem to struggle so much with finding and embracing who we are; be it in terms of our physical shape and weight (facial features, physical attributes, etc) or some “thing” about ourselves that we perceive as our individual shortcomings or the less “pretty” parts of ourselves. Whatever it is, we all need to stop and evolve beyond these destructive tendencies. Which leads me to my next rant-

I won’t go into details but suffice it to say, it was “mean girls” on steroids; nothing funny about that at all. As an adult I get it: insecure, inadequate, immature women (and some adults in general) have a tendency to lash out or project their problems onto the closest target, usually manifesting itself in bullying or some other destructive behavior ( at least that’s been my observation). If there is one thing we really need to outgrow as females (of any age), it’s turning on one another, comparing (and finding deficiencies or inadequacies, etc) ourselves to other women, and trying to fit ourselves into mainstream media’s warped image of the “perfect” female!

I truly believe that if  (or most) mothers and fathers out there, taught their daughters to value themselves based on what they carried within (as well as the beauty contained embodied in their uniqueness), rather than what’s on the outside, women, and girls would find it much easier to be true friends and colleagues, rather than predator vs. prey, mean girl vs. the nerd, same vs. other. I guess I’m just disappointed to see that we still allow ourselves to be victimized and manipulated by both the media society as we struggle to find ourselves even as we stare blankly at the girl in the mirror…I’m still hopeful that in the end, we (women and girls) will finally get a clue and realize that we are own worst enemy.

About the author

Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.