Tag self-esteem

Safety and security first

I’m always surprised at how many women don’t know safety and security go hand in hand with selfcare. Selfcare is an essential tool for Black women to navigate the unique challenges they face in the world. However, selfcare is often thought of as being limited to physical and mental wellness, without considering the importance of personal safety in our selfcare. Safety and self care go together sis! In this context, security includes feeling safe in one’s environment, having access to resources, and feeling financially stable. These elements are essential for Black women to truly take care of themselves and improve their overall well-being. On one small note, this post may contain Amazon affiliate links from which I will receive a small percentage!

One of the key ways in which security can be a pillar of selfcare for black women is by ensuring that they feel safe in their environment. This means feeling safe in their homes, workplaces, and communities. Black women are disproportionately affected by crime and violence, and it is essential for them to feel safe in order to engage in self-care activities. This can be done by taking steps to improve personal safety. This means being aware of one’s surroundings, and also advocating for policies that promote safety in Black women’s communities.

More context on the idea of safety and security in selfcare

Another way in which security can be a pillar of selfcare for Black women is by ensuring they have access to resources. This includes access to food, housing, healthcare, and education. Black women are disproportionately affected by poverty, and it is essential for them to have access to resources in order to improve their overall well-being. This can be done by advocating for policies that promote economic justice and by seeking out resources in the community.

Security also includes feeling financially stable. Financial stability is an important aspect of self-care for Black women, as it allows them to meet their basic needs, provide for their families, and plan for the future. Financial stability can be achieved by creating a budget, building an emergency fund, and investing in long-term savings.

Some final thoughts

In conclusion, security is a critical aspect of selfcare for Black women. Black women have unique challenges that need to be addressed in order for them to truly take care of themselves. Security can be achieved by feeling safe in one’s environment, having access to resources, and feeling financially stable. Self-care is not limited to physical and mental wellness, but it should include all aspects of well-being, including security. By including security in their self-care practices, Black women can improve their overall well-being, feel more in control of their lives, and navigate the challenges they face with resilience and determination.

A few tips on how Black women can incorporate security into their selfcare practices

1. Take steps to improve personal safety. This includes being aware of one’s surroundings, avoiding dangerous areas, and carrying pepper spray or a personal alarm.
2. Advocate for policies that promote safety in Black women’s communities. This includes supporting initiatives to reduce crime and violence, and advocating for increased funding for community policing programs.
3. Seek out resources in the community. This includes connecting with local organizations that provide support with food, housing, healthcare, and education.
4. Create a budget and invest in long-term savings. This includes creating a budget to manage your finances, building an emergency fund, and investing in long-term savings to ensure financial stability.
5. Seek out therapy or counselling. This includes seeking out therapy or counseling to help you process any trauma or stress that you may be experiencing.
6. Connect with other Black women for support. An example would be connecting with other Black women in your community, or joining a support group. This can provide a sense of community and support to help you navigate the challenges you face.
7. Prioritize self-care and make it a regular practice.This means including security as a regular self-care practice, and incorporating it into your daily routine.

An important reminder about security and self care

It’s important to remember that selfcare is a continuous journey that requires patience and consistency. It’s essential to find what works best for you, and to be kind to yourself when implementing these tips. Remember that security is a critical aspect of self-care for Black women, and it’s essential to include it in order to improve overall well-being, feel more in control of one’s life, and navigate the challenges they face with resilience and determination.

Some real life examples of how Black women can incorporate safety and security into their self-care practices

1. Example 1: A Black woman who lives in a high-crime area can take steps to improve her personal safety. This includes taking a self-defense class, avoiding dangerous areas, and carrying pepper spray or a personal alarm. She can also advocate for policies that promote safety in her community, such as increased funding for community policing programs. Additionally, she can seek out resources in the community, such as counseling or therapy, to help her process any trauma or stress she may be experiencing.
2. Example 2: A Black woman who is struggling financially can take steps to improve her financial stability. This includes creating a budget, building an emergency fund, and investing in long-term savings. She can also seek out resources in the community, such as job training programs or financial counseling. Additionally, she can connect with other Black women for support, such as joining a support group or connecting with a financial advisor.

Last but not least

It’s important to remember that self-care is a continuous journey that requires patience and consistency. It’s essential to find what works best for you, and to be kind to yourself when implementing these tips. Remember that security is a critical aspect of self-care for Black women, and it’s essential to include it in order to improve overall well-being, feel more in control of one’s life, and navigate the challenges they face with resilience and determination. Also, be sure to check out my virtual book shelf for some of the best books for women this year! Please be safe out there my sistas!

For whomever needs to hear this

As I continue to celebrate women 365 days a year, I just want to remind men of one thing: women are not your therapists (or therapy). This is true of anyone in a relationship. Your partner is not your therapist and she/he/they is not responsible for you own personal “baggage”. Historically and generationally, women have been conditioned to accept the baggage of their partners in addition to the demands of society and culture.

Some of the backstory on this

Because women are viewed (in general) as the nurturing  and weaker sex, women are often the default “therapists” for their partners and communities. This is regardless of the fact that we aren’t professionally trained or even paid for that “Labor”. But again, this is the nature of patriarchy and misogyny across the globe. This brings me to the whole “women as default therapists” thing. Not to put the blame all on one side, women have their own issues to deal with as well. My point is that, neither partner is allowed to turn the other into a personal therapist! The emotional demands are just too much and it is unhealthy.

Red flags

Also, we’ve all seen examples of this in social media and even in our communities. Asking women to be your therapists is a bridge too far to cross and also puts women in further danger. After all, with everything that’s happened during and since the pandemic, the rates or femicide is rising at an alarming rate. And to bring it back to the basics, that amount of emotional dumping is a relationship killer anyways! It leaves no space for real intimacy or caring. This is because one person is doing the “dumping” and the other is the emotional or trauma “dumpster”.

Another red flag is constant negativity and even clingy-ness. It feels like you’re constantly draining off poison from your partner’s wound. The reverse is also true; you can’t constantly dump on your partner and think that that relationship will last!

The reality

Look, while I’m no therapist  I can definitely see a red flag coming a mile away. But it wasn’t always that way. There was a time that I suffered from both the disease to please and being an “emotional dumpster” for my partner. Needless to say, it was traumatic and added to my own baggage that I failed to work through prior to that relationship. So, when I say women are not your therapists, I’m not joking because I’ve got the “receipts”. For me, it always comes back to selfcare. Selfcare forces you to become both self aware and honest about where you are as a person. That means, facing all your issues and recognising that while no one is perfect, we do have to take ownership for both our trauma (i.e. issues, etc. ) and triumphs.

More on the selfcare and emotional baggage connection

Like i said earlier, we are all on a journey to healing and wholeness (hopefully) and no one’s perfect. That also means, we have to be honest with ourselves and our partners about where we are in our journey. Sometimes that may even mean you separate because those differences are to big to bridge. When we start taking on the role of therapist, we open ourselves to harm and potential destruction of our relationship. Also, you can create room for co-dependency which is another nightmare to divest from. Just, don’t do it and if you have to ask then you’re probably already there! Bottom line? Leave therapy to the experts and you’ll both be   Much more happy and whole.

Emotional selfcare is a thing

Selfcare is not restricted to what you can see. Selfcare includes your mental, emotional, spiritual and, physical wellbeing. Also, when it comes to selfcare, know that there is no perfect way to do it and it’s also a continuous process of nourishing, healing and renewal. From time to time, you’ll have to make adjustments along the way and that’s okay. There is no judgment or guilt in any of this. Want to know more about why women struggle with selfcare? Click here to find out.  Also, for more helpful selfcare tips and ideas you can read it right here!

People Pleasing

It’s no big secret that many of us are either people pleasers or recovering people pleasers. What is new, is that women all over the world, are finally saying enough is enough! While some folks are probably saying, what’s the big deal? The major problem with this disease to please, is that it hugely impacts so many areas of our lives, not to mention our over all health and wellness. For many women, people pleasing is a default and often takes over their lives. Often times, they don’t see it because they’ve been conditioned or domesticated to this state. In short, people pleasing is so insidious that we women, miss it’s huge negative impacts on our lives.

Some signs of a people pleaser

1. Apologizing for things that are not your fault.

2. Agreeing with whoever is in front of you.

3. You can never say no or, finding it extremely difficult to say no.

4. Your sense of self worth depends on how others see you.

5. Changing your personality depending on who’s in front of you, or fitting it to meet other people’s expectations.

6. Prioritizing the needs of others over your own-every single time.

7. Hyper criticism of yourself and others

More on this

As a people pleaser, you often take responsibility for other people’s emotions. You might also feel anxiety around them possibly targeting you as the source of their issues. This often leaves you feeling fearful and that you’re walking on eggshells around a minefield of someone else’s emotions or emotional responses. Let’s not forget, in the case of women, this behavior is amplified even more.

Remember that saying, “she’s trying too hard”? Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. People pleasing usually draws you into the trap of trying to be everything to everyone. That also means, changing who you are to be accepted by the masses or modifying your external appearance to fit a certain ideal. Are you seeing the pattern here yet? That gnawing feeling of inauthenticity or sense that you’re not being real, is typical of people pleasing folks.

Is this you? 

Struggling or being unable to say no is also a behavior that’s typical for a people pleaser. For her, its easier to make excuses to get out of a commitment. But even that is anxiety and fear inducing, often leading to feelings of regret or self-criticism. Also, shifting your actions to fit into what you believe is expected of you is another characteristic of people pleasers. If this is you, just no that awareness is the first step toward healing from this way of being.

Woman to woman, I definitely feel your pain and as a former people pleaser, let me just say, I get that this is not easy to get over. But, growing and healing from this state is more than possible. Not only that, it is necessary in order to grow and evolve  into the best version of yourself. Also, this a must if you ever want to break the yoke  of domestication and laying on the altar of other people’s expectations. Another thing to consider is, if you feel like you won’t  be valued or appreciated without any of this “stuff”, know that you’ve probably got the disease to please!

A few things to really think about

Being a people pleaser has a number of ugly side effects and if you are one, you’ll recognize some of these effects:

1. An inability or lack of self-care. When you suffer from “pp” (aka, people pleasing), self-care is at best an afterthought and at worse, completely absent. Prioritizing your own health and wellbeing drifts farther and farther down your to-do list.

2. Simmering resentment is another consequence of being a people pleaser. Always sidelining your own needs, wants and desires, eventually leads to a build-up of resentment and bitterness. This sometimes manifest in you getting sick, feeling stretched beyond your limits or burnout. Also, that resentment can affect your mood and temperament.

3. Critical and judgmental. Feeling judge-y much? Yeah, you’ve probably got some people pleasing tendencies going on there! Sometimes our resentment can manifest in hyper criticism (of ourselves and others) as well as judgement. There’s literally no room for grace, either for ourselves or for other people.

4. As i mentioned earlier, people pleasing behavior is really bad for your health! The constant stress of trying to be everything to everyone, elevates your stress hormones. With that comes other issues like chronic illness, insomnia, and the list goes on.

Final thoughts

Clearly, being a people pleaser is not all it’s cracked up to be and is something no woman on the planet, should subscribe to! Half the battle is recognizing people pleasing for what it is-a destructive behavior that imprisons you. It traps you in an ever repeating soul-numbing cycle that robs you of your health and ultimately, of living a fulfilling life. Check out my post budget-friendly selfcare strategies for 365 days a year right here! In that post I discuss some great ideas for selfcare that are both realistic and effective.

As always my door is always open to women who need the support of a safe community and guidance. With that in mind, book a free 30 min session with me or follow me on instagram (you can dm me as well) too!

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I don’t know why we do this to ourselves; trying to be someone we’re not, live up to everyone else’s expectations of who we’re “supposed” to be or look like? What’s THAT about? You know what I’ve found out? It’s really tiring trying to be ALL those things, almost like trying to create multiple versions of yourself, but you know what? Tragically, NONE of them are REALLY YOU

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Oh Wow! I’m past 30 and I have been blown away about “JUST” finally beginning to know this, hehe he…yes, I guess I truly am one of those “late bloomers”! I don’t think I’m the only woman who has gone through life living for other people instead of for H. E. R. S. E. L. F. but live and learn right?

That’s yet ONE more reason I not only made the eye-opening decision to become a fitness coach and to take up blogging about my journey to fitness, health, and empowerment. For me, it started with the need to get healthy after some major health issues (losing family members to disease and death didn’t help either  ) and a real desire to take back MY POWER which I had unknowingly given up to other people!

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With that in mind here are a few quick tips:

1. Store dairy products at the back of the fridge. While it may make for easy access, keeping your milk at the front of the fridge makes it more prone to spoilage due to temperature differences. This is because the back of the fridge is colder and will, therefore, give your dairy products are longer shelf life.

2. Place your meats on the bottom shelf so that their juices do not drip on other food items (i.e. produce, etc) and contaminate them. If space is an issue, place your meat products on a tray or inside a leak-proof container in order to catch any drippings. Better yet, prep and package your meats into manageable portions (i.e. serving sizes for soups, meals, etc) and then store them in the freezer until you’re ready to cook your meals. Also, separate lunch meats from raw meats in order to prevent illness associated with cross-contamination.

3. Like any other plant, well-hydrated herbs will last longer and be less likely to spoil when you store them properly. Fresh herbs, like basil, asparagus, and green onions will last a good while if you store them upright in a jar of fresh water. Simply trim the stems, cover them with a piece of plastic wrap, and place them in the refrigerator for storage and use as needed.

4. Be aware of where to store fruits and vegetables. Not all fruits and veggies require refrigeration and in some instances, refrigeration affects the taste quality of some fruits and vegetables. For instance, avocados (yes, technically it’s a fruit because it has a seed y’all), citrus, bananas, nectarines, pears, peaches, onions, tomatoes, and potatoes do best outside of your fridge at room temperature or in your pantry. A quick warning though; don’t store onions and potatoes together due to the ethylene gas which can cause them to spoil each other faster.

5. I’ve been doing this for years ( thanks, momma), but did you know it really helps when you wrap your greens in paper towels. They’re great at preventing slimy residue from accumulating and making a science experiment in your bag of lettuce, spinach, or other leafy greens. Simply use paper towels to soak up excess moisture and lightly wrap your green in a few paper towels. This also works for leftover salad greens in food storage containers (minus the salad dressing of course).

6. Cover the crown of your bunches of bananas with plastic wrap. It helps to slow the release of that ethylene gas which is the meany responsible for breaking (the natural process that causes your produce to spoil) down one of my go-to mid-morning snacks. This is a good way to preserve your bananas if you’re not going to eat them right away.

7. Did you know wrapping your bunches of celery in foil helps it stay fresh and crunchy for up to as much as four weeks?  Yep, wrapping it up in foil and then placing it in your fridge’s crisper drawer will help extend the life of your celery. The foil does this by allowing just the right amount of moisture in, and the ethylene gas out.

8. Stop! Don’t wash all your produce at once. I know it’s counter-intuitive but it’s much better to wash your produce as you go if you want to maximize its shelf life. Unless you plan on freezing your food, you should only be washing things you’re ready to eat right away or soon after. This will reduce the chances of mold growing on damp produce.

9.  Another “who’d a thunk it?” If you want to keep those berries mold free, soak them in vinegar. If you’re not going to consume them all at once, simply quick soak your berries in a solution of three parts water, one part vinegar in order to kill bacteria and prevent molding. Once you’ve done that, give the berries a thorough pat dry and store in the fridge.

10. Another great time saver and a great way to preserve your veggies to simply roast them prior to storage. By roasting vegetables such as broccoli and cauliflower,  you can extend their shelf life. Not only that, it’s also a great meal prep tip to have cooked veggies on hand that you can quickly incorporate into any meal.

11. I can say this enough! Store grains in air-tight containers!! While buying in bulk is a great way to save money when grocery shopping, you want to make sure that you store it correctly so the extra food doesn’t go to waste. It’s critical that you make sure to transfer your grains into an airtight container to maintain freshness, as well as keep those pesky bugs away. Do yourself a favor by labeling your containers with the purchase dates so you’re able to keep track of expiration dates and avoid wasting stored foods.

12. Always Double-check your fridge’s temperature especially as the seasons’ change (i.e. summer vs. winter months). You want to make sure that your fridge is set at the correct temperature and that your thermostat is in proper working order to prevent spoilage and reduce the risk of food born illnesses. The recommended temperature is 40 degrees Fahrenheit or 5 degree Celsius for those of you who are using the mks measurement system.

If you’re still not sure where to begin, grab my FREE Pantry Detox Gude GUIDE HERE

For the complete Introductory Produce, Shopping Guide grab a copy HERE!!

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Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.

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Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook, etc. Wow, who can keep up with all the social media plans? I love having different media to explore, but the unrealness of some of it all boggles the mind! So what’s your story? I always wonder as I look around at the various shapes, sizes, and body types,  “what’s going through her head when she looks in the mirror?” ( I do this a lot when I’m people watching, by the way, *snicker*). Just by the facial expressions alone; some look happy, sad, and the others? Well, I’m not so sure of their place in this colorful complex world but hey, we all have to find “ourselves” and come into our own at some point.

I can’t say I get it as to why we women, seem to struggle so much with finding and embracing who we are; be it in terms of our physical shape and weight (facial features, physical attributes, etc) or some “thing” about ourselves that we perceive as our individual shortcomings or the less “pretty” parts of ourselves. Whatever it is, we all need to stop and evolve beyond these destructive tendencies. Which leads me to my next rant-

I won’t go into details but suffice it to say, it was “mean girls” on steroids; nothing funny about that at all. As an adult I get it: insecure, inadequate, immature women (and some adults in general) have a tendency to lash out or project their problems onto the closest target, usually manifesting itself in bullying or some other destructive behavior ( at least that’s been my observation). If there is one thing we really need to outgrow as females (of any age), it’s turning on one another, comparing (and finding deficiencies or inadequacies, etc) ourselves to other women, and trying to fit ourselves into mainstream media’s warped image of the “perfect” female!

I truly believe that if  (or most) mothers and fathers out there, taught their daughters to value themselves based on what they carried within (as well as the beauty contained embodied in their uniqueness), rather than what’s on the outside, women, and girls would find it much easier to be true friends and colleagues, rather than predator vs. prey, mean girl vs. the nerd, same vs. other. I guess I’m just disappointed to see that we still allow ourselves to be victimized and manipulated by both the media society as we struggle to find ourselves even as we stare blankly at the girl in the mirror…I’m still hopeful that in the end, we (women and girls) will finally get a clue and realize that we are own worst enemy.

About the author

Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quick. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.