Tag selflove

Selfcare and the realities of setting boundaries for black women

It’s hard enough learning and setting boundaries, as a woman. As usual, when it comes to black women living and existing in America, that becomes even more of a challenge. Black women are exhausted but still expected to show up 100% at home and in the workplace. For the average black woman, there is no room for selfcare or taking a mental health day. Often times, they are expected by society and culture to exist and toil for the benefit of others and that, in itself should be reward enough!

Some observations about selfcare as a black woman

 The struggle is real and can often seem daunting especially when you consider all of the intersections that we as black women have to navigate daily. Also, historically and culturally, women have been conditioned to allow others to access our labour and resources to the point of exhaustion, if not death. As a matter of fact, it has been so normalized that when we start reclaiming our power and setting boundaries, they are often met with resistance and hostility from unexpected places. It does not matter that Black women are exhausted, stressed and many in poor health due to a lack of selfcare and setting boundaries.

It starts in the mind

I hate to sound cliche but selfcare, selflove, etc regardless of where you are in the world, begins in the mind! It’s also why so many “forces” (i.e. patriarchy, misogyny, etc) don’t want women to access selfcare and are so violently opposed to these concepts. While patriarchy and misogny(noir) are not new-they’ve been in operation for millennia, what is new is the global awakening of women. In order to access selfcare and selflove, you have to first become self aware.

What does that mean?

What this means is that, Black women are coming to the realization that we are human before our we are women, and we don’t need to prove our worth to anyone. It also means freeing our minds from the societal and cultural indoctrination (domestication) that has gaslit women into thinking they don’t deserve to live autonomously or have the right to pursue their dreams, grow, etc.

Black women are exhausted and have been so, for a long time

For much of our time here in North America, particularly here in the U.S., black women have been the proverbial “canaries in the coal mines” of society and culture. Our labour, resources and energy have been siphoned from us, without our consent. The few occasions when consent has been granted it was often under duress or outright deception. Now, the tide is changing as black women and women globally awaken to reclaim their autonomy, resources and power. Needless to say, those who have long benefited from the subjugation of women, are in violent opposition and unhappy to say the least.

Black women at the intersection of patriarchy and white supremacy

Because of patriarchy and white supremacy, Black women have historically borne the brunt of inequity and discrimination. As a result, we’ve been disproportionately affected by the impacts of these poisonous systems and their institutions. Whether it is maternal health outcomes, treatment in the justice system, etc, Black women are the most harmed. In short, Black women are exhausted from the seemingly never ending task of navigating these systems and conditions. Awakening to these realities, rather than remaining on the hamster wheel going no where, is the beginning of the selfcare journey!

A brief reminder of her-story

Arguably, women globally have been the observers and harbingers of what’s coming as we have watched patriarchy destroy both humanity and the planet. Women are relearning “her-story” and coming to realize that we have been lied to and outright bamboozled!  Yes, before all of “this” we had power, were builders, and protectors of both humanity and the planet. In short, equality and equity have always translated into alignment and universal balance as it is the universal order of things.

Selfcare strategies to save your mind and body

Being a woman is unlike anything in the universe and we need to start walking in our power and truth. To begin to do that, we need each need selfcare strategies and tools that we help us thrive and not just survive on this blue globe! Our default does not have be exhaustion,stress and dis-ease. Consistent selfcare means a reduction in stress, fatigue and illness. It also means a far better quality of life and the ability to focus on those interests that elevate our lives. Research has shown that repeated stress, trauma, etc age and cause disease in all areas of the body. This also impacts our mental health status. You can read more on selfcare right here!

So why the shift?

The shift is taking place as more and more black women connect globally. Through social media and other platforms, black women are not just sharing stories and experiences, we are sharing knowledge. As more of awaken to the damages and lies of patriarchy, misogyny and anti-blackness, we are moving strategically. With knowledge and healing comes the ability to get off the altar of other people’s expectations. In this way, we reclaim our health, dreams and passions. Global politics, especially as it pertains to North America, has been a huge eye opener for black women. As we watch women’s rights be dismantled, the stripping away of reproductive rights, etc, it’s clear to see the writing on the wall. Be sure to tune into my YouTube channel as I really go “in” on this!

Final Thoughts

As more and more black women realize the options available to them globally, the more the fire and fight for true liberation burns. The myth of black excellence, proving yourself to justify your worth, begging for a seat at the table of institutional racism, etc is crumbling. Now, black women are finally beginning to make choices that are in their best interest and most of that is founded on selfcare and healing. Additionally, as more black women to begin to seek therapy, do the internal work, etc,  we can expect the societal impact to hit even harder. Arguably, that’s why those who have benefited from unchecked access to black women’s labor are getting more upset and loud about it. News flash: stay mad!

For whomever needs to hear this

As I continue to celebrate women 365 days a year, I just want to remind men of one thing: women are not your therapists (or therapy). This is true of anyone in a relationship. Your partner is not your therapist and she/he/they is not responsible for you own personal “baggage”. Historically and generationally, women have been conditioned to accept the baggage of their partners in addition to the demands of society and culture.

Some of the backstory on this

Because women are viewed (in general) as the nurturing  and weaker sex, women are often the default “therapists” for their partners and communities. This is regardless of the fact that we aren’t professionally trained or even paid for that “Labor”. But again, this is the nature of patriarchy and misogyny across the globe. This brings me to the whole “women as default therapists” thing. Not to put the blame all on one side, women have their own issues to deal with as well. My point is that, neither partner is allowed to turn the other into a personal therapist! The emotional demands are just too much and it is unhealthy.

Red flags

Also, we’ve all seen examples of this in social media and even in our communities. Asking women to be your therapists is a bridge too far to cross and also puts women in further danger. After all, with everything that’s happened during and since the pandemic, the rates or femicide is rising at an alarming rate. And to bring it back to the basics, that amount of emotional dumping is a relationship killer anyways! It leaves no space for real intimacy or caring. This is because one person is doing the “dumping” and the other is the emotional or trauma “dumpster”.

Another red flag is constant negativity and even clingy-ness. It feels like you’re constantly draining off poison from your partner’s wound. The reverse is also true; you can’t constantly dump on your partner and think that that relationship will last!

The reality

Look, while I’m no therapist  I can definitely see a red flag coming a mile away. But it wasn’t always that way. There was a time that I suffered from both the disease to please and being an “emotional dumpster” for my partner. Needless to say, it was traumatic and added to my own baggage that I failed to work through prior to that relationship. So, when I say women are not your therapists, I’m not joking because I’ve got the “receipts”. For me, it always comes back to selfcare. Selfcare forces you to become both self aware and honest about where you are as a person. That means, facing all your issues and recognising that while no one is perfect, we do have to take ownership for both our trauma (i.e. issues, etc. ) and triumphs.

More on the selfcare and emotional baggage connection

Like i said earlier, we are all on a journey to healing and wholeness (hopefully) and no one’s perfect. That also means, we have to be honest with ourselves and our partners about where we are in our journey. Sometimes that may even mean you separate because those differences are to big to bridge. When we start taking on the role of therapist, we open ourselves to harm and potential destruction of our relationship. Also, you can create room for co-dependency which is another nightmare to divest from. Just, don’t do it and if you have to ask then you’re probably already there! Bottom line? Leave therapy to the experts and you’ll both be   Much more happy and whole.

Emotional selfcare is a thing

Selfcare is not restricted to what you can see. Selfcare includes your mental, emotional, spiritual and, physical wellbeing. Also, when it comes to selfcare, know that there is no perfect way to do it and it’s also a continuous process of nourishing, healing and renewal. From time to time, you’ll have to make adjustments along the way and that’s okay. There is no judgment or guilt in any of this. Want to know more about why women struggle with selfcare? Click here to find out.  Also, for more helpful selfcare tips and ideas you can read it right here!

A day for you

Every year we get excited and anxious over Valentine’s Day. Excited because spring is not far off and anxious because, a lot of us are looking to be coupled up! Too much emphasis is on “coupling” and not enough on selflove and selfworth. That’s why it’s also a perfect time to really hone in on self-nourishment and selfcare. So, here’s 5 Valentine’s Day Selfcare ideas to get you through the rest of February. Needless to say, selflove is not a one of but a practice we should carry 365 days a year.

Valentine’s Day

While we celebrate Valentine’s Day as a day for lovers, love and, romance the day itself, has its origins in both pagan and Christian beliefs. The Catholic Church recognises three saints named valentine. But it’s unclear who the actual Valentine was for which the day is named. Who ever it was, he was martyred and became a saint according to catholic tradition. In pagan tradition, it’s actually an offshoot of the feast of Lupercalia, an ancient roman pagan festival held on February 15.  While the modern version of Valentines Day is soft and romantic, Lupercalia was anything but! It was violent, bloody, full of animal sacrifice and rampant sex.

But, lets get back to the fun of today and the notion of love and connection. The greatest thing you can do for yourself this Valentine’s Day, is to love and treat yourself how you want to be treated. These 5 Valentine’s Day selfcare ideas are just a few of the many tips and strategies I practice for myself. Let’s face it. If you don’t learn how to love and appreciate yourself, how can you expect others to know this? Standards, boundaries, etc, are all established and depend on you and the way you perceive and value yourself.

The Valentine’s Day and self love connection

When it comes to self love and selfcare, your approach should be similar to how you view Valentine’s Day-a special time for love! Selfcare and self love are special and intimate practices we need to carry out on a daily basis for a healthy mind-body-spirit. Also, how you allow other people to treat you, says something about how you see yourself and the value you attach to yourself. Are you worthy of being treated with respect, compassion, love and consideration? If all of those things are true for you, then you will have no problem expecting others to treat accordingly.

Here are the 5 ideas for Valentine’s Day selfcare

1. Take yourself on a date.

2. Make a selfcare journal.

3. Give yourself a 24 hour social media and technology break.

4.  Reconnect with friends and loved ones.

5. shore up and recalibrate your boundaries.

More on these selfcare ideas

1. Taking yourself on a date is about intentionality and perception. Also, it’s an exercise  in learning to feel comfortable with your company and not worry about how other people see you. If you’re feeling super anxious and uncomfortable about going out to a restaurant, theatre, etc by yourself, that’s telling you something. It could be anything from being a people pleaser to someone who who needs other people to give herself value. Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, forces you to go inwards to the place that need your attention (i.e. healing, etc).

2. Either buy a journal for selfcare or make one for yourself. There are so many ways to customise a journal and make yours for what ever you want. A selfcare journal is a great way to do a self check on a daily basis. Also, you can use it to track your progress in terms of personal growth, documenting things you want to address, and so forth. You can also pour out thoughts without feeling like you’re being judged and it’s literally a space that’s yours alone.

3. Take a 24 hour social media and technology break and stick to it. There’s so much noise and distraction from social media and all of our tech gadgets, that we lose touch with ourselves. Social media keeps us hooked on other people’s drama and lives.  Constantly dealing in to social media traps us in comparison and competition mode and disconnected from our own lives and reality. Very little of social media is actual reality and much of it negatively affects our mental health.

More on this

When you are always looking at other people’s lives you rarely appreciate or have any gratitude for how far you’ve come. When you take a break from this, you can focus on you, set goals for yourself and take stock of life in general. Unplugging for tech and social means you can get out into nature, connect with other humans in the real world and realise that the world is huge and full of great potential.

Some closing points

4. Reconnecting with friends and loved ones is super important for our mental health. Since humans are social beings, we need real human contact and connection, not scrolling through endless pages of social media. When we spend time talking and socialising with other people we can pour into and support one another. We can share stories and life events as well as gain counsel from trusted people in our social circles. This is also a great way to expand your social circle too, when you get out and about.

5. Finally, shore up your boundaries! Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for not just your mental health, but your overall well-being. It’s how you set the terms of how other people engage with you and how you honour yourself. This is also connected to your self worth and the stories you are telling yourself about yourself! If you struggle wit being a people pleaser, setting boundaries are really hard for you.  You can read more about that in a previous post, when you click right here!

Time for some me time

As I mentioned before, these 5 Valentine’s Day selfcare ideas are just a few of the many tips and strategies I use to stay aligned and healthy these days. None of it starts out easy, but investing in yourself with help of a coach, counsellor, etc is the first step. Selfcare is a journey that empowers to reclaim all aspects of your life-from your health and wellness, to your sense of self.  There’s so much time to get on the right track to transforming your life in a way that’s meaningful for you and will also allow you to reclaim your authentic self. Also, sign up with this link for a FREE 20 min clarity session to help get started on your self are journey!!

For me, nothing says self-care like a homemade creamy avocado face mask. My unending love affair with avocados, won’t be over anytime soon, lol! Today I decided to share one of my go-to Avocado face masks that are great for a dewy complexion and a must for the summertime (I’ve switched up my recipe since my last blog post and this version is just as awesome).

DIY Fresh Avocado Face Mask: Ingredients

1. Avocado: An excellent ingredient for moisturizing the skin, it’s a good source of potassium which is also known as the ”youth mineral”. Avocado also boosts collagen production, contains vitamin E, softens, reduces the appearance of fine lines, and wrinkles. This recipe requires one ripened, medium-sized avocado (enough for two applications).

2. Turmeric: helps with acne scarring, anti-inflammatory; calms the skin, dry skin, wrinkles, contains antioxidants and helps with a variety of skin conditions. You will use one tablespoon (organic) of turmeric powder as part of your face mask recipe.

3. Raw honey: antibacterial, loaded with antioxidants, moisturizing, soothes the skin, evens complexion (lightens the skin), heals the skin, and aids in regeneration (I’ve also got an awesome raw honey face mask recipe too! I typically add one to two tablespoons of raw honey to my mixture.

4. Cinnamon: helps eliminate acne and pimples on face and body ( kills bacteria associated with acne production), anti-fungal, adds moisture to the skin by improving blood flow to the surface of the skin, stimulates skins natural collagen, fades acne scars, blemishes, etc. This recipe requires cinnamon powder and not the sticks! You don’t need a lot of cinnamon for your DIY mask; simply use 1/2 a teaspoon full.

5. Spirulina: A blue-green algae rich in antioxidants, vitamins C and E which help reduce inflammation and neutralizes the damaging effects of free-radicals. It also detoxifies, tightens, brightens, lifts, and hydrates the skin. Be sure to add one level tablespoon of organic spirulina and be sure to fully incorporate it into your mixture.

Avocado Face Mask: Preparation

Make sure the avocado is well-ripened. Next, use a fork or hand mixer to blend the honey and avocado mixture. Gradually add in the dry ingredients and blend until fully incorporated and chill the mixture in the fridge for 5-10 minutes. Any surplus face mask mixture can be stored in the fridge for a few days in a tightly sealed container to avoid oxidation.

DIY Avocado Fresh Face Mask: Usage and application

Apply your mask to clean dry skin and leave on for 10 -15mins and then rinse off with tepid water. Follow up with your usual skincare routine afterward. Have you tried any of my other recipes? Check out this recipe from an earlier post right here!

About your ingredients: Where I get mine

A rule of thumb for me is to always buy your ingredients from trusted sources. Even when I buy produce from conventional grocery stores, I make sure that they are organic. The same applies to most of the spices used in both my culinary and DIY recipes.

Etsy is also a great place to shop online for both locally sourced and organic ingredients. While I do recommend amazon for some things, when it comes to food grade items and spices, I stick to local and organic for best practices. In my experience, you’re less likely to get poor quality and or contaminated items.

If Etsy is not an option for you can buy some of your ingredients from amazon once you’ve done some in-depth review of the vendors (I start with the average review score coupled with what the lowest customer review state. It’s a good way to get past those reviews that are either paid or promotional).

DIY Fresh Face Mask: Usage and application

Apply to clean dry skin and leave on for 10 -15mins and rinse off with tepid water. Follow up with your usual skincare routine afterward. Have you tried any of my other recipes? Check out this recipe from an earlier post right here!

About your ingredients: Where I get mine

Rule of thumb for me is always buying your ingredients from trusted sources. Even when I buy produce from conventional grocery stores, I make sure that they are organic. The same applies to most of the spices used in both my culinary and DIY recipes.

Etsy is also a great place to shop online for both locally sourced and organic ingredients. While I do recommend amazon for some things, when it comes to food grade items and spices, I stick to local and organic for best practices. In my experience, you’re less likely to get poor quality and or contaminated items. When I go grocery shopping, I always keep this in mind whenever I’m picking up produce and meat items.

Speaking of grocery shopping, If you’re feeling overwhelmed about how to shop for fresh food items that are pesticide-free and minimally processed, you can grab my Introductory Produce and Pantry Detox Shopping Guide grab a copy HERE!!

 

“Avocados are packed with powerful anti-oxidants that fight the appearance of dark spots and helps heal the skin!”

A little about Tonyé

Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie-cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quickly. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.

If we’re honest, we all love to get something special for Valentine’s Day! But, have you ever tried gifting yourself with some TLC?  My 14 Ways to love yourself this Valentine’s Day, flips the script on the usual! Nurture yourself and stop giving from an empty well. To help you get started, I’ve got an introductory list of 14 ways you can show yourself some much needed TLC!

Too many times, we women overlook our own needs and desires in order to tend to those around us. Experience has shown me that on those “special” days, I need to find meaningful ways to show myself some love, especially on Valentine’s Day. Self-sacrifice is a noble thought, but neglecting your own health and wellness will take you down an ugly path of dissatisfaction, poor health, and burnout.

Every year we find new ways to up our romantic game for Valentine’s Day and rarely put ourselves in the equation for some “self” love. Department stores, media outlets, and just about “everyone” out there is trying to sell you something to buy for someone else, as a token of your affection. But I say, how about YOU show yourself some love! Prove to yourself, that you matter. Show yourself that you are more than enough without needing someone else to validate your worth. 14 Ways to love yourself this Valentine’s Day, helps you do just that!

With that in mind, I’ve pulled together  helpful ways that you can show yourself some TLC. These 14 ways to love yourself this Valentine’s Day will help you shift the way you think about yourself as well as begin to set concrete standards (i.e. boundaries) for how you allow yourself to be treated. You can read more about shifting your mindset and ditching the guilt and self-sabotage in one of my earlier posts here.

Carving out space for loving yourself:

1. Screen your phone calls (keep conversations /interactions with disruptive people to a min, including family members-aka, boundaries)Pick your “yeses”- don’t say yes to everything or everyone; to avoid falling into the “superwoman” trap.
2. Eat mindfully-savor your food/meals, don’t rush through eating like a truck driver at a truck stop. It’s not healthy and it’s also stressful.
3. Meditate. As much I moan and groan about this sometimes, taking up meditation is literally life-changing!
4. However or whenever you do it; sleep. Whether it’s in chunks of 3, 3 hr “naps” per day; it’s critical that you power down enough to get quality sleep.
5. Take yourself on a “self-date night”! That’s right. Go see a movie, go to dinner, etc by and with yourself. You’ll be amazed at how much this exercise will help you gain self-confidence and a sense of self. It forces you to confront any insecurities you might have about o.p.e and especially the external view of you.
6. Buy yourself a bouquet of flowers. It doesn’t have to be over-the-top pricey, so appreciate the woman you are by treating yourself the way you want to be treated. When you do this, it signals your subconscious to internalize the fact that you are worthy of both love and appreciation. Also, you’re shifting your mindset into one of positivity and gratitude.

These 14 ways to love yourself this Valentine’s Day is an ever-growing list of activities that help me remain grounded and mindful.

Here are some more quick tips on how to love yourself this  Valentine’s Day:

7. Take a social media vacation: yes. Turn off and tune out all social media for at least 24 hrs. In fact, there are a number of studies that support the idea that too much social media surfing negatively impacts mental health and wellness.

8. Take a detox relaxation bath. That’s right ladies! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come home from a long stressful day at work, stripped out of clothes, and jumped in the shower even though what I really wanted was a long relaxing bath.

9. Journal. If you’ve never journaled before, this is a great time to start. You can use this as an opportunity to really have a conversation with your core self. It’s also a great way to help you get in touch with your feeling.

10.  Show some love to the person you see in the mirror today. That’s right. Sit yourself down, gaze into the mirror, and accept everything that you are today, including your imperfections. How do you do this? First, you need to accept the fact that you are far from perfect and that’s true for every other person on the planet. Next, speak aloud about everything you have accomplished to date and express your gratitude for this day.

Here are a few more ideas to round out your Valentine’s Day self-love session:

11.  Get creative! Yes, this is a great time to really dig into your inner creativity; we’ve all got it. It can be something as simple as trying out a new recipe from Pinterest or your favorite cookbook to painting a nature scene. Whatever you do, make sure it’s something that sparks your inner child.

12.  Touch every part of you. All right, here is where we’re digging deep and headed into some not so comfortable places. By this I mean, wrap your arms around yourself, and speak loving words of appreciation and acceptance to yourself about your body. You can either stand or sit in front of a mirror or find a meditation space.

13.  Deliberately structure a day for yourself alone. This is an important exercise. Don’t call any loved ones, friends, acquaintances, etc just be very deliberate about structuring a day that is fully dedicated to your own needs (and I don’t mean running errands or to-dos). Use this 24 hour period “mindfully” engage with your inner self; digging into those areas of yourself that you’ve neglected. Next, after taking the time to do this, end the day with a ceremonial (i.e. deep breathing exercise accompanied by a personal self-affirmation, etc) activity to seal your intentions.

14. Breathe. Do some deep breathing exercises and keep your mind completely blank. Just, stay in the moment and don’t allow your mind to drift beyond the present. When you do this, you release stress and mental clutter, so try it!

Final Thoughts on How to love yourself this Valentine’s Day (and every other day of the year):

These are just a few ideas for how you can show yourself some love this Valentine’s Day however if it’s a struggle I’m far from surprised. Read up on why it’s so hard for women to self-care and more in one of my earlier posts right here! Here’s another thought: get out of your comfort zone and embark on a self-care retreat to revive, rejuvenate, and empower you! At the end of the day, it’s all about honoring who you are, your needs, and embracing your authentic self. My hope for you is that this list of 14 ways to love yourself this Valentine’s Day, marks the beginning of your self-care journey.

About the author

Tonye Tariah, Holistic Health Strategist and founder of Freedom at The Crossroads Blog, helps free women from inaction and unhealthy habits so they can get fit, healthy, and live free. Her approach is “the cookie-cutter method only works for cookies,” meaning she helps each person in a unique way helps them transform their lives from the inside out. She’s not about helping you lose weight quickly. She’s about changing your habits and helping you fall in love with yourself so you can live a life with pure joy.